Another important aspect we see for emotional intimacy is Being Chosen.
Check out this scene from Family Man with Nicholas Cage (Jack) and Tea Leoni (Kate). Former lovers, Jack is long lost in a selfish pursuit of money, power and women. He receives "A Wonderful Life" like glimpse into what his life would have been if he had stayed with Kate. He is transported to what life would have been like if he had married Kate. He'd be a tire salesman in Jersey instead of a high-powered financial stud.
Throughout this confusing time, his selfishness has surfaced as he seeks to return from Jersey, where he lives with Kate and the kids, to New York and his previous company and job. Kate is blindsided by the job offer and potential move. Watch the scene.
In extraordinary other-centeredness Kate chooses Jack. She isn't a doormat. She's counted the cost and determined love is worth it.
Ann's affair to me felt like the opposite of being chosen. I had feelings of worthlessness and rejection. If you are experiencing these feelings now stay with it. They can change and be redeemed. I have felt chosen by Ann in the past and especially so recently in our marriage.
“It is a wonderful experience to be chosen. You feel special and accepted. You feel desired. We’ve often said that the desire to be chosen is the desire to be desired. In marriage it is the desire to be passionately desired.”
“When you feel chosen, you create messages about yourself that are congruent with God’s truth about who you are: you are beautiful, you are special, and you are beloved. When you are not chosen, you create distorted beliefs about yourself that are not consistent with whom God has created you to be: I am not enough, I am not loveable, and I fall short of others. You desire to be chosen for who you are, and yet many of you go to great lengths to be things you are not in order to be chosen.” Seven Desires of Every Heart, Mark and Debra Laaser
In order to experience being chosen, your masks have to be off and you have to be relating from your true self. Remember, the false self has no soul. It can't give or receive love. That's why secrets are so devastating to a marriage. So put yourself out there, warts and glory. It's a big risk. If you are chosen while living out this risk it will be real, and healing and transforming.
At this point in our conference we have each couple turn to his or her spouse and say, "I choose you." If you are at a place in your relationship where this will be a genuine statement for you, go to your spouse and look him or her in the eye and say it. If you'd like to say it but just aren't there right now tell 'em that. The honesty is better than trying to fake an exercise just for the sake of doing it.