This is part 2 of the post from yesterday.
I took Ben's advice and jumped on the couch and I showed my husband the email I sent to Ben and I was very candid about my feelings both for him and for the other person. I was sick over hurting him and potentially ruining our marriage by telling him how close I was to being with someone else. My husband did get the message, but he said that he already loved me completely and totally. He said that he didn't know if he could love me passionately - the way I really need to be loved. I believe that my husband does love me completely. Unfortunately, that doesn't meet my need to be loved passionately.
All of that said, I also know that I chose to marry a stable, calm and patient man and that it is unfair of me to expect him to be someone he is not (unpredictable, spontaneous and passionate).
After many long and painful conversations, we have come to the understanding that we have to seek and find a middle ground. I have to be specific about what I need from him and he has to do everything he can to provide it. I also have to be patient when it doesn't come naturally to him.
I finished school last night. My friend and I completely removed the physical connection from our relationship weeks ago and have committed to end the emotional connection as well. It was hard to do that when we saw each other weekly at school. Now that school has ended, it will be easier to honor our commitment. I will miss him and I still care for him, but I do not want to continue a relationship with him because it will distract me from my marriage.
Through this experience I have learned that I am not selfish to want more than my marriage provides. However, I also know that I was playing with fire and I came close to burning up everything that I hold dear. My husband, our children, our home, our lives - I could have taken a few more steps and lost it all. I have to work within my marriage to get what I need from my husband. Finding it in someone else will only lead to disaster.
My husband has booked a four night vacation to Mexico at the end of April to celebrate my graduation. He surprised me with this trip and told me that, now that I am finished with school, we will get back to the basics of our relationship. We will work on rediscovering each other.
I thank God for this web site and for the kindness of strangers. I am better now than I was when I wrote that email. I am not healed, but I am healing. My husband has not recovered, but he is recovering. We will be okay.
May God bless your marriages and each of you always - Jennifer