Marriages Restored

Keeping Secrets and Telling Lies

{Ben and Ann}

Total honesty is a must. Total honesty is a must. Total honesty is a must.

Keeping secrets intentionally damages a relationship, so secrets need to be disclosed immediately.  Other thoughts and memories may come as you move through the process.  Share as those surface, and extend grace as they are offered. See it as a good thing (even though difficult) when more truth is brought into the light. 

I {Ann} feared the consequences of telling Ben my secrets. I thought, "I don't want to tell him about that. It would hurt too much. I've already caused enough pain." Doesn't that sound noble? Not so much. It’s just denial. The damage had already been done. Not telling the truth was all about me, the secret keeper. It was more about covering my ass than protecting his heart.

My mask was blown off in a moment when my affair was revealed. All the lies, cheating and sneaking came out in a powerful blast. It took courage I didn’t know I had to tell Ben the truth that day. It was a process, but soon I was able to tell the truth more consistently. Being honest in this new way gave me courage the next time I faced the dilemma of keeping a secret or sharing truth. I fought through heaps of shame and soon told the truth even - no, especially - when it made me look bad. Becoming truthful and honest brought hope to our relationship.

I {Ben} was faced with the sky-high challenge of forgiving Ann’s lies as she told me the truth. Forgiving lies is one of the harder aspects of rebuilding trust. We all deserve to know the truth about our own lives. I just wanted to know the truth about all that happened so I could make decisions based on truth. After three years of lies, I didn't know what was true about my life anymore. A bazillion questions constantly peppered my brain at warp speed. Were there other guys? What else has she lied about? Can she change? Does she want to change?

I watched her like Homer Simpson watches a McRib. I constantly listened for partial truths or whole lies. Ann made a commitment to total honesty; yet, lying had become such a habit that she did it when she didn't need to. One time, I heard Ann tell our daughter an inconsequential lie. I called her on it.

{Ben} “Why do you feel the need to lie?”

{Ann} “I don't know.”

Well, “I don't know” didn't cut it any more. I needed her to figure out why she was lying and tell me the truth or we weren't going anywhere. Fortunately, she did the hard work of getting to the core issue and changed. Along the way, it was important for me to understand that her change in this area would be a process. This wasn’t permission to keep lying. It was me understanding that lying had become an ingrained, involuntary response for her.

I {Ann} began to tell the truth to Ben about my whereabouts, my life and my heart. Some days were easier than others. It was hard, and it didn’t always go well. When I found myself telling a lie, I learned to come clean as fast as possible because I discovered that the hardest truth is easier to deal with than the cheapest lie.

My intentional secrets had kept Ben at a distance. He couldn’t know the real me with my secrets standing in the way. I learned that the real me is who he wanted all along. Giving him the real me restored trust. 

“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.  But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible” (Ephesians 5:11, 13-14).

Are there truths still concealed? Take the big step of bringing all into the light.

Betrayed and betrayer: Rescuing your marriage from the affair