When a couple can have non-defensive conversations about ways they've wounded one another it is a significant positive sign for the relationship. It shows evidence of maturity and a sincere heart for the relationship to grow.
So now, if you are ready, we ask you to have these conversations with one another.
To get prepared,
1) Spend some time alone with God
2) Ask God to reveal truth with regards to your soul
3) Be prepared to accept the experience of your spouse. His or her feelings are his or hers.
4) Ready yourself to listen with curiosity
Here is your assignment on wounds:
Write out the following two lists,
- Ways I have wounded you…
- Ways I have felt wounded by you…
- Compare lists…
Write out these lists. After writing get together and talk it all through. Be sure and include not just the action but how you felt at the time and/or are feeling now. The goal is to focus more on your internal world and not to go, you, you, you...did this to me. It is ok to say, "When you did this I felt this." And, "Here is more of what it was like for me." It might be helpful to review the communication section before beginning your conversations starting with post 113.
On the listening end, one phrase will help you with this process. It is, 'tell me more about that.' It's a challenging task to invite a person to tell you what it was like for you to carve up his or her soul. This exercise isn't for the faint of heart. But moving toward the wounds created by your sin or inadvertant mistakes brings much healing to the one who feels wronged and wounded.
This exercise could take some time so be patient with yourself and your spouse. Do as much as you can, but it could take several times together to get through all of it.
One don't. Don't say, "I'm sorry" while your spouse is sharing. It can interrupt the process and be a way for you not to feel the weight of the impact of your actions. All of this is moving towards that and towards real forgiveness. Saying I'm sorry is important but if it is premature it can leave issues unresolved.