If you are following along with these posts and are 30 days into dealing with the shock of an affair, good on you for making it this far. The first month is full of low lows and high highs. There is enough pain to fill Arrowhead Stadium.
Oddly enough, in some ways you may feel closer to your spouse than you have in a while IF you've been talking and talking and talking about everything. There can be moments of deep connection while sorting through the betrayal, the lies, the deception. Your masks are removed and honesty emerges.
It could be for the first time in years you are looking, really looking into each others eyes to see what is inside.
Perhaps you've battled suicidal thoughts. I'm glad you are still alive. If you are considering taking your life, tell someone right now. I can promise you the pain will decrease out there somewhere. Life will be fun again but it will take lots of time.
This first month can be a living hell: lack of sleep, a home filled with a constant mist of tenstion resting on your skin, and an anvil for your chest waiting to press in on your lungs each morning when you awake. Some days you have to scream the F-word for 10 seconds to ease the pain for a moment. A little King's Speech Therapy if you will.
Wrestle with God. Take your big questions to him. I was filled with worship and doubts. I felt him close and I felt betrayed by him for all the pain I was facing. I learned later he never promised a life of less pain. My heart hurt.
So I say congratulations. You are a man or woman of great courage and perseverence. This deal is going to be harder than you want and last longer than you want. Every day part of you will want to get out. That's normal. Every day part of you will want to stay and latch on to any piece of hope or light that says somehow your marriage will survive this and be even better. That's normal.
We're in the middle of sharing our story with you. So far we've gone through it with regards to misgivings about our GENDER. We're impacted by;
1) Not living out our original design
2) Impact of our families of origin
3) Skewed societal messages
We've talked about GRIEF and the transformation it brings by;
1) Stripping away the pretenses of life
2) Enlarging our souls
3) Ushering us towards knowing more of God
Next we'll share about the grace we encountered in the aftermath of the affair.
It's a wild ride but in the end we believe you'll be glad you stayed on for the whole thing.