Ben Wilson, LPC

I'm listening to athletes answer a simple question from broadcasters at the London Olympics. "What were you thinking as you won your gold medal?" Usually the reply is something like, "I just tried to stay in the moment," or "I focused on X just like all those days in practice," or "I was trying not to get ahead of myself." What you won't hear the gold medalist say is, "I was practicing my victory speech during my race."

These responses give an example of staying aware of the process versus focusing on the result. In terms of sexual intimacy both husband and wife need to be into the sexual process for the pleasure of it – not for the result of it.

This is recommendation number seven. I hope it takes pressure off many couples who have unrealistic expectations of what their sex life should be. Shoulds produce fear and doubt. I should be able to have newsworthy, rafter rattling sex every time I have sex with my spouse because when I was in college I read it in Penthouse Forum or the guys in the locker room said so or the gals at the bar said they always do or I saw it in a porn video. 

The doubts and fears follow. Thoughts appear like: I can't please my wife all the time like that so I'm inept at sex or my husband doesn't crave me all the time like I read about in those stories so I must not be very pretty. A big problem with these doubts and fears is that they are never voiced in a conversation. 

So stop shoulding all over yourself and talk to your spouse about these thoughts at a time when you aren't having sex. It's best to have them away from the bedroom. Check in and see what he or she thinks is true about these doubts and fears. 

Dr. Doug Weiss’ helps men and women find healing in their sexual lives. To restore normalcy and to break free from the shoulds he recommends three affirmations in place of going for a pornographic movie style of orgasm. These three simple guides help keep you in the process and enjoying the pleasure of being together. He says to 1) keep your eyes open 2) keep the lights on 3) speak positive affirmations to each other while looking into the eyes of your spouse. 

Pretty simple stuff and that's the point. Keeping the lights on and your eyes open help you stay in the moment, attentive to one another and not drifting off into fantasy. Speaking affirmations like, 'I love you', or 'you're beautiful', or 'I enjoy your touch' keeps an open heart and soul connecting you more with your spouse. 

All these help you to just enjoy being with one another. It's amazing how this helps you relax in your touching and pleasing one another. Enjoy it. It's ok to smile during sex. It's supposed to be fun. 

So drop the gold medal goals during sex. It isn't a performance you are to be judged on. It's a time to be in the moment, in the process of just being together touching and giving thanks for the ways God made your bodies sensitive and alive. It is good. 

In your marriage, what expectations or desired results get in the way of a relaxed and enjoyable atmosphere during sex?