329/444 Healing from Infidelity: Sexual Intimacy #20, Recommendations for a better Sex Life #2
Here is a continuation of the previous post on foundations for a healthy sex life. These are from Clifford and Joyce Penner.
The fourth out of ten is this, the woman must be free to lead in the sexual experience.
“I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste.” Song 2:3 (NIV)
Ladies, how often do you let your husband know that you desire him? Is he aware that you ‘delight to sit in his shade’? This is an area I have had to grow in. I left Ben guessing for many of our earlier years of marriage…I now make more of an effort to let him know that I desire him in many ways.
Ben: It does fill my soul to be desired by Ann. Also, I have much to learn about Ann, her desires, and ways she wishes to connect with me sexually. It's a great relief as a man to know that I don't have to have all the answers.
Next, the man must progress very s-l-o-w-l-y. Relaxed and unhurried provides the best mood for mutually enjoyable sex. This doesn't mean that the occasional quickie isn't ok. Of course, it is. It's just important to remember to carve out time to focus on and enjoy one another, rather than rush rush rush. As we mentioned last time, men can be ready in the split second second that decides an olympic swimming race. Take time and explore. Touch her body all over, slowly and leisurely, not just on her sexual parts. Take your time reaching an orgasm. Take time.
Sixth, the man needs to remain flexible, without a set 'agenda' for how things are supposed to go. In general, men are more analytical. Tell me the formula, tell me the rubric so I can get this right is our mantra. Sex with a woman doesn't work that way. Tommy Nelson gave in illustration in this Song Of Solomon video series. A man and his wife will have terrific sex one evening. The man then thinks to himself, "Aha, I've discovered how to make my wife happy in lovemaking." He writes it down on a three by five card. Say this, touch here, rub that and it will be great. The next time he and his bride become romantically physical he seeks to pull out his three by five card. It's in the pocket of his pants which are already removed so he has to go by memory. It doesn't matter the formula is burned in his brain. He begins the sequence only to hear, "What are you doin, you pervert?" :)
He is deflated. Rightly so. If there is a formula then there isn't need for relationship. So give up the idea of a set agenda each time you have sex and seek to 'meet' your wife. Have a mindset of curiosity and wanting to know her more.