Ben Wilson, LPC

Here is a previous post that relates to our present topic of sexual intimacy.

I received this comment yesterday,  "I am sorry but I am so sick and tired of these ministries urging people to deny what it is that makes us human beings. Praying to God to take certain aspects of your sexuality away?? Let's be realistic. The reason all these minister's of God in high places get the curtain pulled back on them and all their sexual immorality is revealed is because it is very much oppressed and sex is deemed dirty. and sexuality except by strict "guidelines" is discouraged. And when people don't follow the so called rules, they get a one way ticket to hell just for being human. I am not saying that criminal sexual behavior is right because it is wrong. I am not even saying that homosexuality is right because I am not a homosexual so I cannot speak on that. Bottom line is people are sexual and will continue to be so no matter how much you try to preach it out of them. A loving committed relationship without a wedding ring is sin? A beautiful child born to loving caring parents out of wedlock is grounds to go to hell? That is the most ridiculous and oppressive, discouraging message I have ever heard in my life. No wonder people are so misguided and confused."

Here is my response.

Thanks for your honesty and your passion. I don't think sex is 'dirty' and don't think in any way that one goes to hell for any sexual activity. I don't believe a child born to, well a child born period, is ever destined to hell because of anything their parents did or didn't do. I don't know if you got that message here or if it caries over from somewhere else. If from here let me know and I'll take a good look it. It's not the committed loving relationships that bring people into my office to talk. It's the ones with numerous partners, the ones who are having sex to get some closeness when they really desire emotional and spiritual closeness but they don't think it will ever happen in their lives so they take a 'fast food' sexual meal. It's the wives and husbands and/or their spouses that are having sex outside their marriage when neither agreed to that. Even when they do agree resentments build.

In our culture sex is used as a salve and drug for many of the other pains that come from living. That generally brings more pain instead of health and healing and connection. This morning on Warren Throckmorton's site I found this article written by an anonymous campus psychiatrist who shares about the health risks of casual sex (depression is one) which is never conveyed to students though they are told to; eat right, wear sunscreen, get plenty of sleep, etc. The health risks of casual sex are great for women but that is rarely conveyed. The article is titled, Unprotected: How universities can be hazardous to student health.

So, I am sad when I hear from a woman who expresses what this woman shared above. Have churches done harm in regards to sexuality of its attenders? In some cases yes. Is our culture overall abusive to our sexuality? Yes. I hope people can find individuals like Warren Throckmorton, Janelle Hallman, this blog and others who are communicating an honest view of sexuality and how much damage is done, especially to women in the name of free expression. The lie is told that there is no harm in casual sex (especially if you use a condom). Hopefully the lie will be debunked for women that an unmarried 'committed' relationship is a safe place for sex. There are some Goldie Hawns and Kurt Russells, but the reality is that a couple living together today has a 1 in 10 chance of being together in 10 years (that's a national marriage project stat out of Rutgers). The commitment aspect of those relationships just isn't there, and sad to say but that is especially true for men. Men are getting their sex without the commitment and women don't understand the damage involved until it is too late.