Ben Wilson, LPC

Not too long after the revelation of the affair I sat stunned in the counselor's office. Ann was next to me. In my numb state he asked me what I remembered about our courtship that was good. Was there a good memory that I could recall? At the time this really felt true, I indicated that I couldn't really think of one. Everything seemed like it was all a sham. It's a good example of how the pain and shame of an affair clouds the history for a couple. 

Of course it really wasn't true. Ann and I spent tons of time together just hanging out and enjoying one another when we were dating. We had fun just being together. Sometimes we had fun dates out, except that time when I chose to take her to The Jerk instead of Terms of Endearment. She's processed through that lots and is about at the place of forgiving me. ;)  Other times we would spend the entire day alone in the apartment not doing much of anything except being close. It was terrific. 

Eventually, the pain subsided some and I could see our relationship more clearly. We did have good memories of dinners at Katy Station, MU basketball games with Stipo and Sundvold, concerts with Pat Benatar or Alabama, road trips to southern MO and just hanging out all day being close. 

And so your final exercise in this emotional intimacy section is to remember. Write a story about a positive event during your courting/dating period. Don't just report the event. Share your feelings at the time and the deeper meaning of the memory. Then have your spouse read it or better yet, read it to him or her. And you don't have to stop at just one if you'd like to write more. Eventually, we hope you can tell the entire story of your relationship, the good, the bad and the painful and the redemptive.