Ben Wilson, LPC

Emotional intimacy requires learning to share from the depth of your heart. Most of us overestimate how well we do this and underestimate the subtle ways we hide behind masks.

Sharing our hearts involves talking about hopes, desires, dreams, fears and more. In other words reveal yourself to your spouse.

Along these lines Mark and Deb Laaser from Faithful and True Ministries have developed FANOS.

FANOS is a greek word that means ‘to shine’ or ‘to reveal’. Using FANOS gives structure to daily conversations helping them stay safe, focused and meaningful. Check out the flow of it. 

FEELINGS–State your feelings (not your thoughts). What's going on inside your soul today?

AFFIRMATION–Give your spouse an affirmation. Say something positive that you appreciate about him or her or say thank you for an act or deed that mattered to you.

NEEDS–Ask for something you need (desire is sometimes a better word).  Know that sometimes your need will not be fulfilled.    

OWN--Own something you did. Be willing to listen to the impact it had on your spouse. Apologize sincerely.  

SPIRITUAL GROWTH–Choose something you want to change (i.e. habitual TV watching, withdrawal, sarcasm, excessive internet use, yelling, spending time with God) for your spiritual growth and check in on your experiences and progress with that issue.  

There you have it. Sometimes it can take 5 minutes and sometimes an hour. Depends on the day and depends on the state of your marriage. This has helped many couples connect on a daily basis. The simple structure makes for an effective means of repairing a damaged relationship and growing into a new one.