Marriages Restored

Here is a note I received.  It stood out to me that she said she had her blinders firmly on when the emotional affair began.  I receive notes from folks that say something like, read your bible and be a good Christian and these affairs won't happen.  This note takes the veil off of that lie.  Should one kill his or her soul to not have an affair?  I don't believe that is what kingdom living is all about and it generally doesn't work any way.   

I am glad this woman is out of her affair with the pastor.  Too many pastors end up entangled like this.  They ignore the element of their position and subsequent spiritual abuse of a parishioner.      

Dear Ben and Ann~

I just wanted to thank you for your blog, your honesty and your willingness to be transparent about the things God has taught you and continues to teach you through the events that unfolded (and continue to unfold) in your marriage.

Three years ago I would have never thought that I would ever want to read a blog like yours, I had my blinders firmly in place, I thought I was "doing" everything I was supposed to re: my husband, then a man (my pastor, actually) began to heap attention on me. He fed my ego, he filled up my flesh with the words I longed to hear from my husband. I was very emotionally involved with him. He became verbally abusive, and controlling. If he did not get me on the phone with the first call, he would grill me about my whereabouts when he finally did reach me.

I was helping one of our other elders plan a surprise birthday for his wife when the repeated phone calls and questions became too obvious to the other man as "not a normal Pastor/member" relationship...I was questioned and I confessed, very slowly...eventually the whole story came out. I was very scared.

My other two elders were wonderful and supportive and helped to remove this man from office. Once removed I sent his wife a letter explaining all that had happened (he wanted things to move into a physical realm and I just could not "go there") and asking her not to contact me for obvious reasons...He and his family still try to contact me to this day.

I say all of this to say that even though he was removed from office three years ago, I am only now getting to the point where my husband and I can talk about the things that lead up to my emotional affair. During the Pastors removal process, my husband was very supportive and sweet to me, he was angry with the Pastor and tried to remove all blame from me...

Last night I told him about the letter you received from a lady who was going to college and had an emotional affair, I could relate to her situation because my husband is a "Steady man." I barely realized what I "wanted" until it was lavished on me by another man because my husband is not demonstrative in expressing his "passion" for me...

We had the very best discussion we have EVER had and I can see now that I am on the other side of the emotional affair how much he loves me and always has, despite his inability to show it in the way "I want"...though he has acknowledged his need to change...We had to leave our house for a while, but we have grown closer, especially since we have returned to our home...

So, I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you and share a little of my story with you...you guys are REAL...and I am so very glad I found your site...hopefully you will be encouraged to "keep on keeping on" because that is exactly what you all have encouraged me to do...

Resting in His Unfathomable Grace~