It's a great privilege to join with such courageous women every Tuesday evening. They are seeking healing and freedom from the bondage of childhood sexual abuse.
It's painful. It's messy. It's freeing. Repeat.
Brandie gave me permission to share with you a piece she wrote after sharing part of her story. It includes a little cussing in it and I had to ask myself as a pastor should I leave the God damn in there. After a while I decided yes. I decided yes because I felt it was an appropriate use of the phrase. God damn the abuse. Please damn it, destroy it and bring redemption!
Thanks Brandie for entering the caverns of your soul and blessing the rest of us.
Without a Voice by Brandie Estes
I am the little girl without a voice...My innocence stolen because of your choice. A sick and twisted game you chose to play...Leaving me shattered, broken and full of rage..I had so much life as a little girl...Dark blue eyes and hair full of curls. A toothless smile and mischievous grin...You stole all that away with your choice of sin. Now all this exists is this beat up shell...Living for 25 years frozen in this hell. Never given a chance or afforded the right...I wanted so hard to stand up and fight! I mattered! God damn it! And you never saw...That what I wanted and needed most of all. Was more than just a house or place to lay my head...I needed you to protect me from the monsters under the bed. But you introduced them to me, I knew them by name...In fact at times, it was you who the monster became. I look in the mirror and all that I see...Is what your selfishness turned me out to be. I live life afraid to commit or trust...I am mortified of love or anyone's touch. I hate what you did, what you stole from me!...I miss the childhood that exists in my dreams. I look at my ever so precious little girls...I wonder why my childhood was so cruel. They giggle and laugh and run and play...But for me, you stole that all away. I mattered God damn it! I had a voice...But you stole that with your sin of choice.