Ben Wilson 720-378-2327
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October 2006
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January 2007

Healing Happens

I just wanted to say thank you for your site.  My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years with our share of struggles.  Among many things probably the one that has been the most frequent are his faith issues. He was an atheist and I am a Christian. I didn’t find out until I was already in love and as you know by then it is hard to fall OUT of love, so I married and had two beautiful daughters with him.  He has recently been saved and has seen the joy Christ can bring to your heart. (Issue number two opened his eyes to my need for his spiritual leadership in our family)We are in the process of getting marriage counseling and looking for a church home.  This is amazing because it is something that I have prayed about for the past 8 years!

Another issue (issue number 2) that we have dealt with is that I have had an emotional affair. I have learned so much about this problem and how it occurred through reading your blogs.

The first epiphany that I had is that just because you are attracted to someone or you feel a connection with someone that doesn't necessarily mean anything.  While I was involved in the emotional affair I thought that it must be what God wanted for me.  My thoughts during the affair were like this:
How could I let my children be raised by a father that didn't believe in him when there is someone else sitting there that would be an awesome spiritual leader of my family!

God certainly put me and this OM together so that I can meet his needs and he can meet mine in Christian based relationship.

How could I have been so stupid to marry someone that didn't believe in God.  I can't believe I married the wrong man.

I am so ashamed of myself for connecting and having feelings for someone else while I am married.  How could I let this happen?

These thoughts totally consumed me while I was having the affair.  Even after I ended the affair I really thought that the OM(even though we were both married) was the person that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.  It was so hard to see that God had led me to marry my husband and he didn't do it so it would end in divorce. It was helpful for me to realize that I didn’t LET myself become attracted to someone else, it just happens.  This doesn’t make you a terrible person; it just needs to be a clue for you to know that you may be missing something in your current relationship. Attraction is something that just happens EVEN when you’re married.  It is what you do after you feel the attraction that is important.

Which brings me to my second epiphany...What to do when you feel an attraction or connection with someone of the opposite sex.  TELL YOUR SPOUSE...jump up and down, scream and shout and tell your spouse what you are missing in your life!!! Tell your spouse that you are about to mess up...that someone has caught your attention. If I would have done that in the beginning instead of being so passive about the fact that I really needed him to be a spiritual leader in our house I could of avoided the whole thing!

I also have a question.  I know that the OM and his wife are both Christians and all contact between me and OM is completely ended.  However, his wife knows nothing of the affair.  Should I tell her or have someone tell her, or should I just let OM deal with the issue on his own?
Thanks again for what you guys are doing. Hearing that this kind of thing happens to other Christians is very healing. It is also good to know that grieving the loss of the affair partner is normal and I should just deal with it and not let it control my thinking.  You’re thoughts are a powerful thing and if you let them they can easily get the best of you.