Ben Wilson 720-378-2327
Head, Heart, Gut, Groin
Christian Carnival XXXI

Questions for the Betrayed and the One Who Strayed

In the chaos following the revelation of an affair many thoughts will race through your mind. One will certainly be do you want to stay in the marriage? Is it worth it? Your answer may change daily or even hourly. What feels certain one moment feels incomprehensible the next. That's why it is important not to make any irreversable decisions for the first six months or so. This goes for the one betrayed and the one who had the affair.

Shirley Glass has these quesions specific to the betrayed and to the strayed in, Not "Just Friends"

Questions Betrayed Partners Can Ask Themselves

1. Ask yourself whether this infidelity is part of a larger picture of cheating and lying.
*Has this happened before?
*Do you trust your partner to tell you the truth about other things?
*Is your partner generally dependable and trustworthy?

2. Is your partner understanding of your pain?

3. Is your partner willing to allay your anxiety by being accountable?

Questions Involved Partners Can Ask Themselves

It is important not to make the mistake of deciding on the basis of comparing an exciting, illicit romance with a stable, long-term marriage. Don’t make this a which person do you prefer question.

1. Picture yourself with the affair partner in a long-term committed relationship.
*What would life be like five years from now; twenty years from now?
*What would it be like for you and your affair partner to raise stepchildren together?
*How would your children handle your marriage to the person who broke up their intact family?
*What were the things that attracted you to your affair partner? If these traits were to become exaggerated, would you still be attracted? For example, if your like the fact that your affair partner is always frank and direct, imagine what it would be like to be with someone like who’s brutally honest.

2. What will it be like when the passion of a forbidden love wears off ten years from now? Imagine how forlorn you might have been if something had prevented you from marrying your spouse. You probably would have believed forever that you had lost the one true love of your life.

3. Would you still want to divorce your spouse even if the relationship with the affair partner doesn’t work out? This is the central questions Lara had to ask herself after Ralph ended their affair. Although Lara was the affair partner in Ralph’s extramarital triangle, in her own marriage she was the unfaithful wife. She ended her marriage to Lenny because of irresolvable problems even though Ralph had made it clear to her that the affair was over.

4. Visualize where you want to be ten or twenty years from now—where you want to be living, how you want to spend your time, and what gives you pleasure. What happened to the dreams you once had about what it would be like to grow old together with your spouse?