Marriages Restored

Dancing in the Minefields

Even if you lose a limb or two in the minefield, stay with it. There will be dark and difficult places but getting to the other side you'll eventually have a marriage that could only come about supernaturally.

The Rabbit Room, Jason Gray, The Reason Why You Brought Me Here

The Reason Why You Brought Me Here.

Here is a song to meditate on, to be your personal cud to chew, to drink in slowly feeling its warmth in your belly, to slide a shimmer of light from the vault of hope. 

Hat tip to the wilde olde man, Wes Roberts

You and Me: An homage to Alan Jackson

For her song writing class, my daughter had to write a country and western song with the male perspective neo classical style of Ricky Skaggs, Delbert McClinton and Alan Jackson.  She focused more on Alan Jackson and since I did some posts on Alan and Denise recently I thought I'd share it with you. That's Lil Chris on the guitar.

It's a good country song with fishing, a barn, a shotgun and a pickup. 

 

Download you_me.mp3

You should hire her as a song writer. 

Crow and Armstrong Split

A few weeks ago my daughter mentioned to me that she didn't really care for Sheryl Crow's last couple of albums.  Her favorite is the self-titled Sheryl Crow which reflects the stormy nature of Crow's life after the success of Tuesday Night Music Club.  My daughter prefers the angst versus the more mellow tunes Crow has produced as of late.  My almost 21 year old deadpanned to me, "I hope she and Lance break up so she can start making some better music." 

I don't think she really intended any ill-will towards them.  But here we are and they have split.  I'm not glad they have split and the pain it brings them (I can't imagine doing a relationship as celebrities), but there is also something about pain that can bring clarity to the human condition and the human soul.  Somehow my daughter gets that.

My mood as I write this next part is important.  I am not glad for the pain Armstrong and Crow are dealing with at this time.  My heart aches for them because I see the pain living together as husband and wife before being husband and wife brings to people in this land.  I am not writing from some past or future idealized Utopian relationship realm.  The bible is full of sexual sin, the pain it brings, sometimes the redemption of the pain, just about all the way through.  God does often put meaning to our pain but he doesn't take away the messiness of being human in community. 

As another premarital class approaches I know that I may be the first person many of the couples in the class hear say that living together before marriage isn't a good idea.  There is much research that shows in fact that couples who live together are more likely to divorce and have about a 10% chance of being together in ten years.  Check out The Marriage Project from Rutgers for great info.   

So, living together before marriage actually increases the chance of divorce.  I think there are many reasons for this.  One is that couples that tend to hook up quickly are emotionally immature and tend to look for a member of the opposite sex to validate who they are and to feel good.  These folks can be very passionate and fun but also impulsive.  They don't tend to deal with problems in life head on.  They may 'know' the person for a week and be 'soul mates' and move in like it will last forever.  Their pain and struggle in living is magically gone.  After a while everyones annoying traits begin to show up, conflict isn't done well, and it is on to the next relationship. 

On these folks behalf, they often grew up in chaotic homes.  There is often addiction and/or abandonment and they were never taught to handle conflict well and deal with life head on.  It was easier to go get drunk or laid or both or busier at church or busier in ministry or abuse another etc. We are ingenious as humans in our ways to avoid dealing with reality.  The bottom line is they learned to not do life head on and aren't doing life head on.  They have soul wounds that could use healing before they enter into another serious relationship.

The second reason applies to folks who are a little more emotionally mature but have bought into the belief that a little trial run is practical before marriage.  There are various types of intimacy.  Sexual tension helps other types of intimacy to grow.  In the crucible of sexual tension, spiritual, emotional, and non-sexual touch intimacy have a better chance to flourish.  I watched the movie, Serenity yesterday and the day before.  Great themes in this movie and in the Firefly series btw.  Oh wait, it was in the last episode of Firefly, Jayne (who is a rough guy--kinda like a boy named Sue) asks the Shepard, played by Ron Glass about being celibate.  He isn't tactful and mentions masturbating all the time.  The Shepard says, "No".  Jayne inquires if all his parts are still working and The Shepard indicates they are.  He says, "I just channel that energy elsewhere." 

I think that is key.  If in the early stages before marriage a couple can channel those sexual energies into other areas of intimacy their relationship and marriage will be on a much more solid foundation to handle the ups and downs and struggles and conflicts that come with doing life together. Staying sexually abstinent doesn't solve all your problems before marriage but it generally helps deepen the ties between a couple allowing them to weather the tough times together.

I have no idea the specific reasons Crow and Armstrong are splitting.  But I do hurt for him and her and especially for his kids.  While it isn't a popular thought to wait until getting married to live together and to have sex (it doesn't solve everything and yes we all know couples who did live together and are still doing well) it generally gives a couple the best odds of having a successful relationship in marriage.

Johnny Cash Ring of Fire

Is this the Johnny Cash blog?  One more off topic here.  There were a couple shows on CMT last night about him and the making of the movie.  They showed an old 60 minutes interview with Harry Reasoner and a concert in San Quentin complete with death row interviews. 

That got me to thinking about the old albums my dad had.  A few years ago my daughter wanted to have a real live record player.  My folks still had my old one so they brought it out.  The needle and needle holder were broken so we found a place to get it fixed.  The bill was over $100 which I am sure was more than the thing cost originally back when I was a senior in high school or so and my first album purchased was Linda Ronstadt's greatest hits.  Anyway, my folks then brought out all of the old albums they had that we used to listen to. 

Sure enough there was the one of Johnny Cash from ...1963.  I'll always remember those red rings on the cover (click on the picture to see them up close).  My gosh I probably wasn't even two years old when that came out.  The record still plays too but we need some new speaker wire to hook up the big 'retro' speakers my daughter bought at a garage sale.  We have several other 33's of him as well.  He had some fun songs especially on Everybody Loves a Nut.  It had Everybody Loves a Nut, The One on the Left is on the Right, and The Boa Constrictor.  You can buy it now for only...  Geeze, I see Colin and whatshizface on Drew Cary's improv show doing an infomercial parody.  I bet Wayne Brady does a good Johnny Cash.  :)

Johnny grew up in Dyess, AR which is about 60 miles south down I-55 from where Ann grew up in Caruthersville, MO.  Ann didn't ever pick cotton like Johnny did though she should have been Miss Cotton Blossom but she was robbed.  Robbed I'm tellin' ya!  :) 

The songs on Ring of Fire, The Best of Johnny Cash (not to be confused with Greatest Hits 1 or Greatest Hits 2) are: the rebel--johnny yuma, bonanza, the big battle, remember the alamo, tennessee flat-top box, ring of fire, i'd still be there, what do i care, i still miss someone, forty shades of green, were you there when they crucified my lord, peace in the valley.  Good stuff man, good stuff. 

Here's a quote from the back of the album

Like the best of those songs of old, his own songs, like What Do I Care, tend to be harshly realistic, with an often defiant knowledge that things are not really hearts and flowers, or rainbows and pots of gold. 

I think that's why I like him.  He knew he was real good and he knew he was real bad.  Just like real life.   

7th and Final Post Love and Respect and Johnny Cash, I Walk the Line

I realize I have run out of steam posting on Love and Respect.  It is an excellent read that I heartily recommend.  Alas, I have determined that the number of posts on a given book is limited to seven.  Really it's six but I didn't realize that until too late on this one. :)

Once again their website is loveandrespect.com.  Check 'em out.  I've heard their conference is well done too.  With a name like Emmerson Eggerichs you really have to be good to bring them in.

By the way, I am really looking forward to that Johnny Cash movie coming out today.  As a little boy my dad always had the record player playing country music 33's (33and 1/3 to be accurate) and Johnny Cash was often emanating from the spinning vinyl.  The tribute to him on CBS last night was quite well done.  Jerry Lee Lewis couldn't stand but he could still play the piano with his foot!  Norah Jones and Kris Kristofferson were wonderful together singing 'If I Were A Carpenter'. 

I liked Johnny Cash but I must admit my favorite growing up was Roger Miller.  Dang Me was pure fun.  Really, who would get away with putting 'maple surple' in a song lyric today.  Others I remember listening to were Charlie Pride, the Ray Charles country album, (that completes the entire black country section) Johnny Horton, George Jones and Gene Pitney, Merle Haggard, Buck Owens and the whole HeeHaw gang, Lefty Frezell, Tammy Wynette, Loretta Lynn, and of course Hank Williams. He's still hard to beat.  Good memories from the front room in Trinidad, CO.