Marriages Restored

Love Your Life: Living Happy, Healthy, and Whole

Every NFL stadium has a personality suited to that city.  In Denver the 70000 fans have a common word they'd yell after the opposing team threw a pass that didn't make it to the intended receiver.  Say the Jets were in town and Brett Favre dropped back and threw a pass to former Missouri Tiger, Brad Smith, the announcer would reverberate through Mile High saying something like, "Pass from Favre to Smith was..." (I feel like I need a period soon but I'm really not sure. :))  And then every orange and blue clad Bucky Bronco head wearing, crazed high altitude maniac would yell, "IN-COM-PLETE!"

Let's get this right.  Announcer says, "Pass from Favre to Smith was..."
You yell, "IN-COM-PLETE!"
Good job. 

And so it is that the word IN-COM-PLETE keeps coming to mind when I read Victoria Osteen's book, Love Your Life. 

Now no doubt many people are finding a relationship or renewing a relationship with God in her and Joel's basketball arena.  He works in an infinite number of ways and I'm glad for that.  And there are many thoughts she shares that I agree with, but this book, which was sent to me for free so I feel obligated to write about it, is... IN-COM-PLETE. 

So, it's not bad, it's just half the story.  Victoria's big loss that she shared was not getting the house with the pool as a young wife and in some ways this book doesn't go too much deeper.  There is a place to see the good in our lives, to have gratitude for blessings we take for granted, to be nice to others. 

But for the harder things in life the term...just for a season...is implemented.  In other words you can grieve for a bit, struggle for a bit, but you need to get on with it.  There is a subtle pressure, or not so subtle to get your life together and get a smile on your face.  She doesn't go deeply into the real deep need we have for Christ, the real poverty of our condition, the intense brokenness that books like this tell us not to think about for too long.  But life isn't either/or it is more all the above. 

Here is a quote from Winn Collier in his book, Holy Curiosity.  You won't find this in Love Your Life.  

Jesus' did not come to help us maneuver around our brokenness; Jesus came to enter our brokenness with us.  The gospel is not a therapeutic system tooled for enhancing our ability to cope by believing hard enough and smiling big enough and quoting just the right mixture of bible verses so we can distance ourselves from our negative emotions.  The gospel is the story of the world as it actually is, our lives as they actually are.  The gospel tells us we are broken, more broken than we know, and that our world is in shambles.  Jesus does not encourage us to ignore what we have lost, but rather to mourn it, to feel the deep sorrow over the devastation we were never supposed to know.  The gospel instructs us to want and wait and hope for God to make the world right again.  We do not need a God removed from our destruction and insisting we are all ok.  We need a God who knows in his bones how sick we are and who will not leave us to ourselves.  We need God to rescue us.

...We must feel the full weight of our shattered heart; and then, splintered remnants in hand, we must turn to God for redemption.  I am suspicious whenever our religion has no room to weep or mourn or be angry.  I am suspicious when we move too fast past our pain.

Our pain is a rich avenue to joy.  And they coexist.  Pain and joy.  It isn't an either or deal.  But Victoria's book doesn't quite get there.  It is IN-COM-PLETE. 

And you can buy her book at Wal-Mart.  But you won't see Winn's there. 

The Shack: William P. Young on Affairs

I am especially fond of The Shack.  I devoured it like a delicious piece of homemade carrot cake (my favorite).  This parable by William P. Young deeply moved me as I read about the healing journey of Young's alter ego, Mackenzie Phillips. 

Mack is a man who struggles with shame, guilt and anger with God.  Though the parable mostly takes place over a few days, it is grounded in Young's own brutal, beautiful healing journey. I feel that many going through affairs will connect with the raw emotions portrayed. 

The shack is a metaphor for that box inside our souls where we attempt to contain our shame and our story.  We lock it up and hope no one sees it because we have deemed it unacceptable and ugly.  We pray for God to remove it but how can we remove our story.  It is part of us and can only, or rather can wonderfully, be redeemed.  

As I read The Shack I connected with many of the emotions and pain that emerged as Ann and I lurched through the healing of our affairs.  During one interview he mentioned a blow out in ministry and I sensed an affair was involved. 

Recently, a friend shared with me William P. Young telling his own story at our former church in Denver. Here is a link to his honest, funny, in depth revealing of his heart and soul.  May it enrich the healing and redemption of your story. Listen to William P. Young's Story.

 

The Marriage Benefit

The Marriage Benefit: The Surprising Rewards of Staying Together by Mark O'Connell is a well written piece encouraging a couple to work through the difficult times in the short term for greater enjoyment of life in the long run.  O'Connell is a clinical instructor of psychology at Harvard Medical School and Cambridge Hospital.  He draws deeply from the rich well of his twenty-five years of individual and marital experience using illustrations of couples dealing with common problems such as long-held bitterness, diminished sexuality, infidelity and others. 

Once beyond the intro O'Connell breaks the book into two sections, shared necessities and shared choices.  He offers this path as a way to a better relationship and being a better individual. 

The Shared Necessities

• Embrace a longer-lasting definition of love
• Celebrate your differences
• Have real sex
• Find Freedom through commitment

The Shared Choices

• Believe in something more important than yourselves
• Give up your habits and addictions
• Forgive and give thanks
• Play

O'Connell says, 'These resolutions dare us to approach the very edges of intimacy from which we are most compelled to retreat.  They give us permission to delve into our worst selves, always in the hope of growing further into our best selves.  And they challenge us to remove the constraints of superficial civility in order to explore those parts of ourselves that we find most foreign and most frightening.  They are, in effect, high-risk, high-reward propositions.' 

The above paragraph is rich with wisdom.  We all are made for emotional, spiritual and real sexual intimacy, but it also scares us to death and we hide from it in many ways.  To find this intimacy we desire we have to go into the darkest parts of who we are.  In that darkness, pain and sorrow we eventually will find light, healing and our true selves will emerge.  We also have to engage in conflict with those around us and quit being so nice and disengaged to get somewhere.  Growth requires effort and discomfort.  Finally, there are no guarantees.  Ann is risking in our relationship.  I could take off tomorrow morning and fly to Cleveland and never return.  I'm not going to; I choose to stay with her daily. 

Overall, this will be a helpful read for anyone willing to take the risk to have a better relationship.  The anecdotes mixed with practical tips make this an easy read that will be appeal to both sides of the brain.    

My Turn on the Trading Places Blog Tour starring Les and Leslie Parrott

Well here we are folks!  It's day 4 of the Trading Places blog tour.  Renowned authors, professors, counselors and married people, Les and Leslie Parrott have stopped by the virtual abode of Marriages Restored.  Here we sit sipping imaginary extra strong lattes in our oversized worn leather chairs.   I've provided a waterfall of rain and mist (really God did) so the Parrotts won't miss the Pacific Northwest too much as they beam to Missouri, the home of Give 'em Hell Harry Truman whose birthday is also today.  If Harry hadn't died prematurely he'd be 124.

Ben:  Les and Leslie it is an honor to have you here today.  How was the trip?

Les:  Those Star Trek guys were on to something with this beaming thing.  Shorted out a little over Garden City, KS with all the hail but other than that it was great. 

Ben:  Yes, well you know some of our more polite Christians call him Give 'em Hail Harry.  Don't know if that had anything to do with it.   

Leslie:  Uh Ben, what was your question for us?

Ben: Right, right.  Thanks for the opportunity to read Trading Places.  I see many helpful ideas for every couple.  With regards to infidelity or other significant betrayal how have you seen empathy help in the healing process?

Parrotts:  We are so glad you asked this question.  Because of the work we do with so many couples we get to hear lots of remarkable stories from husbands and wives who have triumphed over obstacles all  of us would dread having to encounter – stories that most never hear because they are so private. 

Believe it or not, we have seen couples who have suffered the knock-out punch of infidelity turn their relationship around, in great part, because of their mutual capacity to trade places.  Obviously this is not a quick, one-time act.  It’s a process of slowly trying to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. 

First of all, for the person who has been unfaithful, you might think he or she would naturally see the situation from the other partner’s point of view. But that’s not necessarily true.  Why?  Because this spouse is typically wracked with remorse, guilt and shame.  And these emotions don’t make for a clear vision.  They can actually cloud that person’s ability to empathize accurately.  You see, guilt is a selfish emotion.  When I (Les) did research for my book Shoulda Coulda Woulda (see RealRelationships.com) one of the things I learned is that guilt and shame put our focus on us.  When we carry these emotions, we want to feel better. We want to rid ourselves of them.  So we confess or whatever in an effort to do just that – not necessarily to make things right.  Not necessarily to bring healing for the offended spouse. Make sense? That’s why it is critically important that the unfaithful spouse, using both head and heart, accurately empathize.  The emphasis, typically, for this person needs to be put on being objective.  Their guilt is driving their sympathy (heart) into high gear.  They need to balance it out with more objective abilities.  More analyzing to accompany the sympathizing. As you know, from the book, empathy requires both in relatively equal measure. 

Regarding the spouse who is left to pick up the pieces after discovering unfaithfulness in their partner, empathy – though often slow coming – will serve as a means for eventual forgiveness and grace.  Of course, this is not to be rushed or coerced.  It is to be cultivated as time evolves.  And when the time is right, this spouse will often need to ask questions – not about the affair – but about what the unfaithful spouse was feeling and thinking; what the unfaithful spouse was missing. Empathy fosters a deeper understanding and eventual compassion even in the face of such a devastating act.

Bottom line?  We’ve never seen a couple recover from infidelity without the healing balm of empathy.

Ben:  Thanks you guys.  Good words.  It sounds like if we can be part Spock and part Paula Abdul our marriages will greatly improve. 

Les:  I haven't heard it put that way but I can mostly go along with that. 

Leslie:  Let's go home, Les. 

Les:  We have six more dates on the blog tour, hon.  Tomorrow we're at the Marriage Blog at Families.com

Leslie:  That's right.  I really like their quizopolis.  Thanks for the coffee, Ben.  It was good even by Seattle standards. 

Ben:  Those are some groovy beans.  It was St. George The Dragonslayer blend from Saints Coffee.  Tom Davis gives a 1/3 of his profits to help orphans in Africa.  Really cool.

Parrotts:  We'll see you at Families.com.

Day 2 of Trading Places Blog Tour

Today the blog tour heads to A Marriage Therapists Blog.

Trading Places Blog Tour

We'll be participating in a blog tour for the book Trading Places by Les and Leslie Parrott.  Our slot on the tour will be Thursday, May 8th.  You can check out the complete tour schedule. 
Today the tour is at CouplesQuestions.com.

O soul, are you weary and troubled? Denise Jackson

Denise encounters God in her separation and brokenness while dealing with Alan's infidelity.  She shares these words from Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus,

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There's light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face;
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

Eventually!!!  I believe the words to that tune but eventually!!  First you got to get your heart and soul hammered with God's meat tenderizer.  It's painful and seems to go on too long and I'd never want to do it again, but man does it bring life out of black and white into 1080 color HD. 

Denise rediscovered her first love, God.  She began to make herself available for his healing soul surgery.  Alan did too.  She began to fill in with real substance and become her own person, not just be a clingy attachment to Alan. 

They got counseling, both weekly and an intensive.  She began to make decisions like buying a new SUV on her own.  These are the main areas Denise touched on in their counseling with regards to their marriage in general

1. Unlearn some old ways of communicating that caused damage and replace them with new ways of handling conflict which didn't tear each other down.
2. Grow inwardly.  She was becoming a woman to be reckoned with.  She was becoming an individual not a junior partner of a power couple.
3. They had a certain pertinacity where they weren't  afraid of hard work.  He always had it and really as an athlete she did too.
4. Alan needed to hear her affirmation.  No matter what anyone else said her voice always carried the most weight.  She'd grown up in a good house but one where her folks didn't show affection to each other.
5. Pray.  Not now I lay me down to sleep.  Denise was learning that pray is about changing us.  We change in our heartfelt prayer.  We get honest instead of demanding.  She got to the end of her rope and found Him. 
6. Learned to play and flirt and be goofy with one another.

That's a great outline for any marriage to look at with regards to growing.  The particulars Denise battled with infidelity were intense.  She was full of anger, shame, and pain.  She says she hardly knew which way to turn. 

I can relate.  After Ann's affair I would turn to her for comfort but then would realize she was the one who betrayed me.  I'd turn to church for comfort and hear how Jesus would make my life better but I certainly wasn't experiencing that.  I'd turn to God and I felt betrayed by Him because he'd allowed this to happen.  It's a lonely, painful place where brokenness eventually, freakin' eventually, guides the way out.   

But Alan was being honest and confessing all.  He was seeking her forgiveness.   She entered that long process of forgiveness and I saw where she read one of Lewis Smeedes two great books on forgiveness which helps us to pass along God's forgiveness of our own needy self to the one who has caused great pain in our souls. 

Too often a wife or husband forgives too quickly because they think they 'should' as a Christian.  Bad things are usually going on when we should all over ourselves.  Insta-forgiveness is a way to avoid pain and that meat tenderizer of God.  Ultimately we have to deal with the consequences of our sin against us. 

It hurts to have our trust violated so deeply.  We're stabbed, shot, and punched in the gut.  It takes a while to sort out all the wounds to know what exactly we're forgiving this person for doing.  'Cheating on me' is too global.  Lying to me by going to the lake with her in June 97 instead of to a business meeting is more specific and brings deeper healing.

Somehow in this process of forgiveness the one betrayed needs to realize he or she has a lot to be forgiven for too.  Denise did.  She saw how she related like a coward, how she'd turned her back on Christ and came to understand her own deep need for forgiveness too.  The gospel, both the crucifixion and resurrection, became real to Denise at the core of her soul. 

She forgave Alan but she didn't trust him yet and rightfully so.  They began to get more honest, open and transparent.  She'd share when she saw infidelity how much it hurt her.  It's everywhere!  You really notice it in the middle of the hell.  Alan let her vent. 

One change in this book to rebuild trust cracked me up.  I loved it, but I also thought it was hilarious.  I just can't tell most people to try this one.  Here's how she tells it,

In terms of his concerts and the many temptations that can come with life on the road, he started flying to every engagement, rather than taking the tour bus.  He called me and our children all the time, giving short accounts of where he was and what he was doing...almost without exception, he flew home after every show on the road. 

So I don't really see myself with a couple saying, "Buy or lease a plane or helicopter to take to work.  It will save your marriage.: :)  But I think it was great for the Jacksons and if you have the means then that's what you do.  As a matter of fact it takes some of those seemingly 'irrational' decisions to save the marriage.  Does that really make sense financially.  No.  But are there larger purposes going on.  Yep.

Alan was working on himself too.  He made a commitment to change and to their marriage.  He was figuring out who he was too.  Fame had eaten away his real face as well.

She hits on a key of restoration.  It happens daily.  No short cuts.  Deal with stuff as it comes up.  Be graceful And honest.  Don't let crap grow into a big pile.  I'll stop with that metaphor.  :)

She ends the chapter with a simple yet profound suggestion.  She and Alan spend some time together talking and snuggling in bed at the end of a day.

Ann and I are a little distant with one another now because we aren't doing this so much.  I'm working more evenings and she's going in at 6am.  I'm up doing a blog post and she's already upstairs.  We realize what's going on and are addressing it some, but I can feel a little bit of distance.  So, it's 9:15 and I hope she's still reading.  I like caring for other couples but compared to Ann you're small potatoes.  See you in a few. 

I'm back.  She was sleeping but I gave her smooch on the cheek and told her I loved her and that God did too.

Denise thanks for your heart and your courage.  Your story joined in with God's story is touching many.

A Hard Road; Denise Jackson

Last fall I led a group through the book To Be Told by Dan Allender.  It was a wonderful, painfully honest, worshipful time.  Denise Jackson had this to say about To Be Told,

He says some wild things about tragedy and crisis, things that make sense when I think about how God has worked in my life.  "The tragedies of life, small and large, carve contours in our character that draw us to a different way of living, one that God intends to both use and transform."

In the previous post I mentioned two themes for Denise, co-dependency and fun.   A third theme is brokenness.  She had broken dreams and a broken soul over neglecting God. 

I mentioned in the previous post her twin brother almost dying after his motorcycle was hit by a car.  Some of the other losses in her life involved dreams more than flesh and blood tragedy.

Once they headed to Nashville who wouldn't imagine what it would be like if Alan hit the big time.  They started in a drug infested ghetto box (where Denise lasted two months) and then found a basement apartment that was a step up. 

For more than three years Alan paid his dues until his first hit.  It was called, Here in the Real World, and it had lyrics which eerily came true for the Jacksons

Love is a sweet dream that always comes true
Oh, if life were the movies, I'd never be blue
but here in the real world
It's not that easy at all
'Cause when hearts get broken
It's real tears that fall...

But they wouldn't face it for quite a while. 

As Alan's light in the sky got bigger, Denise's disappointments did too.  The first one was the #1 party for Here in the Real World.  She had imagined she would be the hot babe by Alan's side.  She didn't feel that way at seven months pregnant with "fat ankles and a very large maternity outfit."

As they began to savor their first taste of real celebrity subtle losses snaked around in the excitement.  When it seemed all their dreams were coming true Denise quickly learned that fame meant she shared Alan even more.

Her greatest happiness, holding her new baby, Mattie, collided with a freight train of disappointment when Alan had to leave town before she left the hospital.  She puts it this way,

I had a happy homecoming picture in my mind--both of us laughing and carrying our new baby into our little home, together--ever since I found out I was pregnant.  Now it would just be me.  And though I didn't realize it at the time, a lot of the happy expectations I'd had about our dream-come-true life, were in fact, rather different from reality. 

On they went with the money being nice but not buying happiness.  But Denise battled loneliness as Alan was gone and she had to make decisions.  She battled the pressures of fame.  And fame feasted on her face so Denise put on an even prettier mask and deepened her depression.  When we live out of a false self we have no joy because the false self has no soul and can't give or receive love. 

Denise's life crashed again when her older brother committed suicide.  Something deep within her yearned to come to light but she quickly tucked it away,

My brother's awful death, however, stopped me cold.  What was life really about?  Could strength and comfort come from God...or was that just nice Sunday school talk that couldn't really apply to the hard challenges of life?

Those kinds of questions were too disturbing.  I didn't know how to answer them.  I just wanted to feel better.  So I managed to submerge hard thoughts under the fast-running stream of our lives.

Her dreams died when she separated from Alan.  She tells that wonderfully and there are many profound moments.  But I want to skip ahead to her dealing with the infidelity. 

Let's just do another post. 

It's All About Him: Finding the Love of My Life

In Denise Jackson's book, It's All About Him, she shares about her personal journey and her marriage to Alan Jackson.  Alan Jackson crossed musical genres In 2001 with his song, Where Were You? (When the World Stopped Turning).  His homage, lament, reflection of 911.  911 was a day of lost innocence for all of us in the United States.  Our land had been invaded.  We realized that life is fragile.  Really, it always is.  Lose oxygen for a few minutes and each of us is done. 

Denise Jackson shares of her story.  She shares her personal memories of innocence.  She recalled these times of innocence in her childhood as she and Alan struggled during their early basement apartment days in Nashville. 

Everyone brought picnic baskets full of crispy fried chicken and creamy deviled eggs.  There were vegetables fresh from the garden, a rosy ham, sweet cornbread, baked beans, a snowy coconut cake, and crunchy pecan pies. 
After we were full from the feast, we'd all gather around the old piano in the church fellowship hall.  One of my aunts would play, and everyone would sing, with wonderful harmony, the great old hymns that were part of the ties that was bound us together.

Earlier in the book she had recounted a major tragedy.  Her twin brother, Danny was out on his Honda 125 and was struck by a driver moving towards the low sun.  She says, "...with my twin brother near death, broken and bloody, I was shaken to the core."

Her brother lived but her illusion of invincibility was shattered along with her brothers body.  He lived but the family was forever changed. 

It's important to recall our memories of innocence and tragedy.  Doing so helps us to expand our souls.  Instead of mumbling something about life being pretty good we're able to say, "This was really good." and "This was really bad."  We're able to see, and own, the outward bounds of our souls which allows to see the themes winding around the inner sanctum of our souls.  Major events are bright dots along the themes.   

Denise shared that following Danny's accident she lost part of herself concurrently with her brothers losses.  She didn't hang out with the girls as much.  Alan seemed invincible and her life became all about him. 

She really does an excellent job of foreshadowing and weaving a theme or her co-dependence, or relationship addiction to Alan.  At first that feels good to a guy.  After a while any man in touch with deeper areas of his soul (all of us are whether we realize it or not) will feel something of substance missing.  Lavish gifts, interesting people and trips were used to gloss over the lack of fun and play.  The gloss eventually grew dull.  Even so these guys really like each other and it shows.

This was certainly true for Ann and I.  In our college days I liked the fact that she would do almost anything for me.  She'd clean our nasty apartment (Thad, Stan and I were NOT cleaning ninjas) buy me things, skip class to be with me, skip studying to be with me.  She had a wide smile at the time; different from her wide smile  today.  Back then her smile asked the question, "Do you like me now?"  With the clinginess of it something inside me pulled away.  Her smile now says, "I like you and am glad to be with you."  It's much more relaxed and conveys a comfortable confidence of being in her own skin.  She knows who she is and is choosing to be with me rather than frantically needing to be with me.  There's substance to her.

Leading up to the fracture in their marriage Denise shared this theme in almost every chapter,

'I relied on him for my sense of well-being...I called her Mrs. Mann, just like I did when I was eight years old (she was at her first teaching job as an adult)...he had always made every major purchase and I had always been happy with what he wanted...so I didn't make any choices at all.

Eventually she said,

He felt that I wasn't an equal partner, that I was too needy and relied on him too much.  Deep down, I knew he was right.  I couldn't have identified it at the time, but I feared not having his approval, just as I had so longed for my father's approval when I was a teenager.

Another theme the throughout the book was fun.  FUN!!  It's one they got disconnected from in their wealth but one they were able to recapture in their healing.  When a couple loses the ability to flirt and have fun, to play, disconnect will soon rise to the surface for one or both.  In her words, "We've experienced the raw fact that wealth and fame don't buy joy and peace."  People who have joy and peace are relaxed and have fun. 

They first time they really met Alan hid in her back seat at the DQ.  As she pulled away he popped up.  She screamed.  Soon, they were tooling around in his Tbird convertible, both with their freely blowing in the wind. 

One that was fun for Alan and not so much for Denise came when they were featured in Life magazine along with the older Bush couple, King Hussein and Queen Noor of Jordan, the Gores etc.  Denise was excited to see the story when it came out.  Alan responded to a question about what drew them together with, "I just wanted to get in her britches."  She says she doesn't think she'll ever fully recover from that and that is not what George Bush said about Barbara.  She smiles about it now and appreciates the miracle of their love maturing.

Some stories are more fun looking back,

...every record label in town rejected Alan at least once.  Some turned him down twice.  One executive listened to Alan's tape and sighed.  Then she told Alan that he just didn't have star quality and that he should go back to Georgia and get a job doing something else.

When they had their first child, Alan saw a tag that convinced him they were going to have a boy.  It said male.   Denise says,

After hours of pushing, straining, and the loss all dignity on my part, our beautiful baby arrived.  Alan looked her over.  There's something missing, he thought, she's a she. 

The nurse schooled him that they just added an fe on the front if it was a girl.  :)

Denise laughed at herself too, "At one point I threw all of Alan's remaining clothes in the back of a pickup truck so a friend could dump them at his rental home.  If he was not going to live with me, then I could at least have more closet space."

My favorite fun image where Denise sums this up comes in the section Big Hair, Big Fun.  Here's an excerpt

One of the unexpected benefits of this may sound superficial, but it's not.  I've found that Alan and I are at ease in our relationship with each other because of God's peace in our lives, we laugh a lot more.  Our relationship is a lot more fun.  We're free.

One weekend recently, we were staying at a friend of a friend's lake home.   The owners were not there, but they had pulled out all the stops to make us comfortable in their absence. 

There were fresh flower arrangements in every room.  There were gift baskets full of fruit, chocolates, and fine wines.  The kitchen was fully stocked with just about anything we could have wanted.  It was incredible.  No hotel in the world could have given more care to make us feel comfortable. 

The first evening we were there, we'd made reservations at a nice restaurant that our friends had recommended.  I went into the luxurious master bath and took a long, hot shower, enjoying designer soaps, shampoos, and gels our hosts had left for us. 

I wrapped myself in an enormous, fluffy towel, put on my makeup, and then got ready to do my hair.  In order for it to look full and smooth, I'd have to blow dry it dry with a round brush and a strong hair dryer.  The bathroom was stocked with curling irons, ceramic straighteners, everything.  Humming, I opened drawers, searching for what I needed.  I knew it was right there somewhere. 

No hair dryer. 

There were about six other fully stocked bathrooms in this lovely home.  Still wearing my towel, I called to Alan.  He was already dressed and ready to go. 

"Honey," I said sweetly, "can you check the other bathrooms for a hair dryer?"

"Sure," he said.  He went down the hall, and I could hear him opening drawers and cabinets.

He came back.  "There's no hair dryer anywhere," he said.

I was already envisioning my hair, wet and plastered to my head, drying in pathetic clumps.  I clenched my teeth and smiled. 

"This house has absolutely everything, " I said.  There has to be a hair dryer somewhere.  And you have to find it!"

Alan knew not to mess with me when I was having hair issues.  He skedaddled away to search some more. 

A few minutes later I heard a triumphant shout from the direction of the garage. 

"Nisey!" Alan called. "I found one!"

Thank goodness, I thought.

A moment later, the bathroom door burst open and Alan strode in, an enormous leaf blower in his arms.  He flipped it on, and a tornado of air blasted through the bathroom.  Tissues flew everywhere.  Alan looked like someone from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

But I wasn't going to question God's provision.

"Okay!" I shouted over the din as my hair whipped in the hurricane-force wind.  "You hold it steady, and just move it up and down when I tell you!"

Needless to say, when we finally arrived at the restaurant, I had very big hair.  But it was dry. 

That cracked me up more the second time going through it than the first.  I've got to make a video using that scene for a marriage conference.

That's only two themes.  I'll talk about Denise's third theme as I see it, Broken Dreams, with the next post on recovering from infidelity. 

Denise Jackson, It's All About Him

When I was a little boy my dad usually had Hank Williams, Johnny Cash, Charlie Pride, Roger Miller or various other country singer's album turning on the big console.  At times I listened to country music in high school and through my twenties.  There were a lot of good drinking songs and I liked to drink so it was a good fit.  I don't drink anymore.  Every now and then I'll get a hankerin' for it (the music not the beer) especially when I'm driving across I-70 through Kansas.  I don't chime in with drinking songs except I still can't resist busting out to 'I was drunk the day my momma got out of prision' with David Allan Coe. 

But this isn't a post about country music.  It's about Denise Jackson and her story.  Her husband is Alan Jackson, country music super nova.

Celebrity books are like that ever present box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.  For me, 'It's All About Him' was one of the better pieces--ah, I can't do that chocolate thing--the book was good. 

Denise Jackson and her co-author, Ellen Vaughn did an excellent job of weaving important themes of relating throughout.  The premise is; Georgia small town kids marry young, move to Nashville, struggle, hit it big, get lost in the cash, glitz and glam, separate, go through hell, return to the faith of their youth, reunite, develop deep relationship with each other and God, live mostly happy ever after.  She does tell it well. 

So many celebrity books read like; this happened, and then this, and then, and then, and then and it feels like I'm going through the drive through in an Ashton Kutcher movie hollering, "No and then!"

It's All About Him is crisp.  There are plenty of Newnan, Georgia details for committed Alan Jackson fans.  I enjoyed hearing about their meeting at the local DQ and high school days.  Denise deftly touched on the themes that ran through the course of their relationship and eventually contributed to the problems in their relationship after Alan was welcome at the Opry. 

In various ways over the course of, It's All About Him, she showed how she was like the Runaway Bride who didn't even know what kind of eggs she really liked.  In that movie, Julia Roberts always preferred her eggs however her current beau liked them.  Eventually, Richard Gere challenged her to figure out how she liked them.  In other words, tell me who you are and what are your desires.

Denise was similar.  Her life revolved around 1st making her daddy happy, then boys she dated happy, and of course making Alan happy.  Examining her life in the last few years she began to see that she was clingy and shallow.  Her life was all about Alan and making sure that he was happy.   It was also about looking good for the media or whoever was there.  There's nothing wrong with looking good but she realized for her it was primary and not secondary or tertiary.  It was also just about the surface not about a deeper, richer inner beauty.  The inner beauty developed the difficult way following the fracture in her marriage. 

I'll do another post about the themes in their relationship and a third one on how they dealt with rebuilding trust after infidelity.  But go ahead and buy the book already.  You get a two song Alan Jackson CD with it to boot.

Excuse me, my song is still on ...

'And I went to pick her up in the rain
But before I got to the station in my pickup truck
She got runned over by a danged ole train'