Grief looks like brokenness and humble dependence on God. Somewhere in grieving we learn God is God and we are not. So much of our lives we are planning or scheming to get there, or do this or accomplish that. Grief lets us know that none of that matters as much as the loves in our lives. Often in grief we get in touch with the fact that we haven't really leaned on God, though we may have really thought we were. There is always, and I mean always, more to learn experientially in being dependent on God. We cycle around in dealing with our hubris and grief is one of the primary means God uses to pursue us and hopefully bring us back to him in brokenness and humble dependence.
There is an honesty in scripture that illustrates this. The majority of the psalms are psalms of lament, psalms of sorrow. We don't sorrow much on Sunday mornings but the psalms were the worship manual in ancient Israel. Can you imagine a service of lament?
At my former church there was a Service of Remembrance each year just before Christmas. I had the privilege of coordinating this after I began serving there. It was a rich time hearing the pain and sorrow of folks which was magnified by the holidays. I continue that tradition at my present church, though I've expanded it to a Blue Christmas service. The holidays highlight losses, like affairs or a myriad of others. I'm humbled to be part of this annual lament service.
This service is meaningful and small. It doesn't happen on Sunday morning in most places. Communal grieving doesn't fit our culture. So in your grief it really is an uphill battle. It's as if permission is needed each day from ourselves that it is ok to grieve. It's more than ok. It's necessary to be in touch with the depth of our own brokenness, which if we surrender to, will lead us to a humble dependence on God.
Here is a psalm of lament. Try praying this psalm as a way of expressing your grief. If you don't connect with this one find some others that more fully express your heart. If you can, share this with your spouse. May you find your brokenness together.
1) 1 How long, O LORD Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? 2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? 3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; 4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. 5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. 6 I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me. ~Psalm 13