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120/444 Healing from Infidelity: Expressing Criticism

Expressing Criticism Constructively

Here are some basics to help you as you begin important conversations.  We'll show the guidelines for the the Speaker and Listener from A Lasting Promise tomorrow.  

 Be respectful

  • Both men and women are called on to show respect in marriage!
  • However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Eph 5:33
  • Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect…1Peter 3:7
  •  Be Specific

  • Discuss specific behaviors and problems you see.
  • Mention how you specifically feel.
  • Don’t expect your partner to mind read. 
  •   Be Honest

  • Share your true feelings in a way that honors the other person.
  • You cannot have intimacy without honesty 
  •   The XYZ statement

  • When you do X  (Specific behavior)
  • In Situation Y   (Specific setting)
  • I feel Z  (Specific feeling, owning feelings, not blaming)  
  • Good statements

    •     “When you showed up 15 minutes late for our appointment with the pastor, I was very frustrated.”
    •     "After I've been cleanding during the day and you come home and leave your coat on the chair, I      feel unappreciated."

    Bad statements

    •    "You frustrate the heck out of me showing up 15 minutes late on purpose for our meeting."          (Starts with you, negative interpretation)
    •     “When you leave your coat on the chair by the door, I feel like you are a slob.”  (Slob is not a      feeling, but a character assassination.)

    The XYZ can be used in a positive way to bless

    •     "When I don't ask you to, and you unload the dishwasher, I feel loved."
    •     "After work, when you give me 30 minutes to unwind when I get home, I feel valued."

    Rules for the Speaker and for the Listener tomorrow.