I want to repost #70 here as we change gears with the end to our gender section. We spent about 40 days in gender. Before we head to betrayal and anger we'll take a look at communication. Here is post 70 again.
Below is the outline of the journey we are taking. The initial 69 posts fall in the category of Our Story, God's Story. Now it is time to move on through the rest over the next year or so. I am really excited to share with you all that we have learned and continue to learn even now seventeen years after the revelation of Ann's affair.
Our Story, God’s Story
Guilt & Shame
I'll probably move communication up a little. I think of communication as practical tools to help share what is going on inside one's soul. Effective communication practice is one piece in building a marriage you are grateful to have restored. The other pieces involve knowing your self more intimately and then learning how to connect more intimately as a couple.
So not communicating well isn't just a matter of technique, it's also a matter of understanding the nuances inside your self and inside the soul of your spouse.
I find if I start with communication nuts and bolts a couple can dismiss me easily. 'I've heard this stuff 10 times at work. This is all ya got?!'
Nope, it's not all, but it's one piece of healing. All of us can learn to listen better, focus more, learn how to control our tongues when our anger goes from 0 to 90 in a milisecond.
Ann and I really fall into the techniques when the stress is high. And stress is higher than a Mariah Carey top end note a bunch of the time when healing from an affair. We need the techniques then because this is when Ann and I would Zorro each other's souls before we started using them.
The default when a couple comes to my office is, "We're having communication problems." Well, duh. How's that for good counselor empathy? ::smile:: It really doesn't tell me much. There is a lot more going on than just trying to fix some basic communication nuts and bolts. And with an affair slicing to the core, major surgery is the norm instead of deciding between a 3/8 or 1/2.
But some times having the 3/8 makes all the difference in the world.