Single Woman, Married Man

Update: Oct 13 1330.  Good discussion going on below.  Check out the comments. 

I received this query anonymously on a post about emotional affairs and wanted to open it up for discussion,

I am a single woman. My best guy friend is a married man. Is it possible to have a close friendship without having an emotional affair? Is it possible to have an emotional connection without going into "affair" territory?

The only people in my life who warn me about the dangers of our relationship are my married friends. I wonder if they are speaking to me out of their own insecurities.

I'd like to hear from singles and marrieds about this. 

Here are my responses,

Is it possible to have a close friendship without having an emotional affair?  Yes,  I have female friends I can share a lot of my life with.  I generally don't talk to them daily.  I don't spend time alone with them.  I don't share anything with them I don't share with my wife.  And I never, ever forget they are female.  I believe there is always sexual tension in a relationship between a man or woman.  It may be stronger in some cases but it is there in some capacity.   

Is it possible to have an emotional connection without going into 'affair' territory?  Emotional connection can carry different meanings for different folks.  I'd have to hear more to respond differently than above.  Though, I must admit, the phrasing of the question makes me a tad nervous about the relationship.

The only people in my life who warn me about the dangers of our relationship are my married friends. I wonder if they are speaking to me out of their own insecurities.  It may very well be they are speaking from their insecurities.  Some of my insecurities come from being deeply wounded in the past in my marriage.  Is it possible your married friends are speaking from past experience and possess wisdom in this area?  I don't apologize for taking my relationship with my wife seriously nor for addressing any threat to my marriage, whether it is intentional or unintentional.  If that makes me insecure then I am insecure.  It sounds like your desire for this relationship may be above board.  Yet, most every affair starts out this way.  Very few folks say, "I am going to cheat on my spouse."  I have received a number of emails from good women such as yourself who've become entangled (not saying you are there yet) with a married man and are unable to let the relationship go. So is it possible for your best guy friend to be a married man and that be OK?  Yes.  However, if you are his best girl friend then I think that could be a big problem. 

Comments

[stephanie]

Ben, I am responding to these questions as a single woman, who has had married men friends and it was not a safe place to be.
What is a close friendship? I feel much safer spending time if he and his wife are together as opposed to me being alone with him. That lies in my own fear that he will be inappropriate because in my past it was the married men (Christian men) that seemed to want more.
As a single person I would warn of the dangers here. A good friend of mine is very friendly when he is single and then when he gets into a new relationship I back off. Part of that comes from the fact that I want to be seen as a woman and not just his buddy. Hence I step back because I know the truth of what he does/or doesn't see me as and don't want to be inppropriate and also they need their own space for their relationship.
Personally I can't be close friends with a man because my heart does get involved and that isn't a safe place if one is already in a relationship.
This is my perspective as a single woman. And my perspective because I have been the "other woman" at one point in my story. I know it isn't safe.

[the anonymous single woman who posed the question]

Thank you for addressing my question and concern. This is a huge issue for me right now, and I appreciate any and all feedback. Your post along with the comment from Stephanie have been good for me.

Although my relationship with the married man has never been physically or verbally inappropriate, we definitely have a strong emotional connection. As I consider ending our friendship, it seems that our connection is stronger than I had realized. I've gone from thinking, "We're just good friends. It's no big deal. We don't flirt. We don't touch."... to... "The thought of never talking to him again makes me feel very, very empty inside." We talk about everything -- from daily silly stuff to deep spiritual stuff. I do have feelings for him -- that's the truth. I'm not married, so I'm not committing adultery of any sort. My love for him doesn't cause him to commit adultery, does it?

My initial questions were just the tip of the emotional affair iceberg, weren't they? My questions themselves are reading like your list of "How Emotional Affairs Start". So much for being the exception to the rule. I'm afraid there's no such thing.

Has anyone, anywhere maintained a non-emotionally affairing friendship? Is there any way I can I keep our friendship if I can keep my feelings under control?

[ben]

Steph, I love the phrase, 'I want to be seen as a woman and not just his buddy.' Beautiful.

Anonymous, My sense is that your eyes and heart are opening. I led a class on grief last night. Embracing loss (and your words about the emptiness highlight the loss losing this relationship would bring) brings growth to our soul. Somehow, the pain grows ones soul. As our soul grows our capacity to give and receive love increases. This man may have what you desire but he's already promised that to someone else.

[BraveBeauty]

It looks to me like you already have an "affair" of the heart. This is spiritually more damaging for both of you than a mere physical relationship. He is married. He should not be sharing these things with you, but with his wife alone. That is what "marriage" is about...your best friend. You can ask me because I fell in love with and married my best friend. We were both single at the time and for 3 years we developed an "affair" of the heart. This lead us to the alter. Your relationship is going to lead to a courtroom. Please I beg of you, do not allow this to happen. Do whatever it takes. The Holy Spirit will help you and guide you. Listen to Him and Him alone. Do not listen to your own heart and the lies of the enemy! My heart bleeds for you dear sister, BraveBeauty

[the anonymous single woman]

Perhaps this is a naive question, but in what ways is an emotional affair more spiritually devastating than a sexual affair? It seems like the opposite should be true.

[ben]

Good question. I would say different than more devastating. But to go along with Brave I think when you share from the depths of your spiritual heart that has the potential to be much more bonding than having sex. One can have sex with another and not give his or her heart--she did say mere physical relationship-- I don't think that is possible when connecting spiritually. It is why so many ministry coworkers have affairs.

[Stephanie]

Ben - this post has opened up a whole chapter of my own life and I have have thought about your questions "anonymous" there are two things that seem important here: 1) we were designed for relationship and the soul continues to seek it. If as a single woman, no single man ever persues us this way but married men do,(my own experience) we may loose sight of the boundaries our heart and mind needs to have in place. 2) there is often a lot of shame we are already living with (from past lies) and somehow we put ourselves in a place of choosing those we cannot have. The confusion and shame seem to be connected to being ashamed to love, not realizing we have chosen to be involved with someone with an already divided heart.
The pain of letting him go now is tough, it will hurt. Maybe the question is are we afraid of living in honoring that our soul desires this love? Can we learn to hold it in the Light and freedom as opposed to the pain of the darkness of shame? An emotional affair has shame attached to it too.

[ben]

Stephanie, Wonderful words to deeper soul issues involved. I hope you write more here or on a post at your blog. Anon, I hope you feel free to share whatever is going on for you. It is tough being where you are.

[Robin Munn]

To the anonymous woman -

It's hard to answer your question without knowing more about the situation. In particular, there's one KEY question that needs to be answered:

How well do you know this man's wife?

That's the $64,000 question here. From reading what you've already said, it sounds like you have never met her. If that's the case, big red warning lights are going off in my head. This man is one of your closest friends, but you've never yet taken the time to get to know the woman who is (or should be) THE most important woman in his life? That's not a good sign: it means your feelings towards him are selfish on some level. You want him for yourself, rather than simply wanting to share a friendship.

If indeed you've never met his wife, then the best thing you can do, for both you and him (and her), is to NOT see him again alone. I don't know where you usually meet him, but ask if his wife can join you there. Or else invite both of them out to dinner at some restaurant. But do NOT see him alone. You have feelings for him, you said in one of your posts. There are only two ways that can go: either you can pursue those feelings -- and down that road lies adultery and a broken marriage -- or you can admit to yourself that those feelings are impossible, and turn this back into JUST a friendship. And the only way you're going to do the latter is to become friends with his wife as well.

Bottom line is, I see only two good choices for you. Either you break off the friendship entirely -- which you've already said you don't want to do -- or else you turn it into a friendship with BOTH him and his wife. Anything else is courting disaster.

[Tee]

I agree with the posters that say that this is not a good idea. This is the very thing that led me into an affair that ended my first marriage. I had gotten away from the Lord and temptation set in and instead of fleeing from it I gave in.

You have feelings for this man. Having feelings for a married man is inappropriate- whether or not you act on them. You stated that it's not adultery because YOU are single. I believe that's incorrect. He is not- so if he commits adultery with you does that not mean to you that this is an adulterous relationship???

You know in your heart you continue the relationship because you have feelings for him. Perhaps deep down you wish something would happen or that perhaps he might leave his wife and pursue you?? PLEASE do not do this. If you entangle yourself in this you will feel guilt for the rest of your life!

[ben]

Anon: How goes it? My take is the feelings you are feeling is a good part of who you are. They just need to be redirected to a different man. Your friend has touched something good in you as a woman. It's just the wrong situation. It will hurt but in the long run you'll be blessed by the man who really is in a situation to share all of those wonderful parts of who you are.

[jeff]

Anon ~ I am new to this forum and was impressed by your story. Thank you for your willingness to listen to my comments. "Your name", I truly admire your courage in bringing these questions to this forum. Something has stirred and challenged you to ask. Perhaps something deep inside is aching for more than just knowing whether this friendship (I'll call it just that) is right or wrong. Only you can decide that and act on those thoughts and attitudes. The "Christian Community" is great at deciding for you what's right or wrong in almost anything. I find that approach rather annoying and codependent.

I was taken by your comment about your fears of losing his friendship and that you feel "empty inside" when you think about it. No one will ever be able to speak through that pain, not even Billy Graham or James Dobson ;) That comfort you feel when you're with him is like pain medication. When you're tooth throbs with pain you hear little else, let alone think clearly. The problem with this "comfort" is that it's never enough. Friendships come and go. He'll move on to find an interest in someone else someday (that is not a challenge by the way). You will still have this insatiable need for comfort. What will you do then? (I'm sorry if I've offended you or completely missed something.) I want to speak to your need. It feels terribly awkward for us to be in "need". To expose that need to this forum is a mere feat in itself and speaks to your true character.

I pray that you will open your heart to a helper who will fill the void and find the source of that need deep inside. That emptiness you mentioned is more powerful than most things in life. I feel it's an indication of deep woundedness. I may be completely wrong but I have seen that before. Seek healing for that emptiness. It has very little to do with your friend. He has no clue in knowing how to meet that need. Your friend will not be able to poor enough of himself in that emptiness to begin to fill it up. Seek God to help you find the source of that need. God will guide you. Take things one day at a time. You are not alone. Take care of yourself! Be true to your character!

take care,

[the anonymous single woman]

I have written several comments since my last post, but have not actually posted any of them. My heart and mind are so overwhelmed! I don't even know where to start! There are no words to express what I'm thinking and feeling. It's a battle. A big battle.

Thank you all for your comments. Each and every one has shed a ray of light on my situation. The last comment posted by Jeff has especially opened up a new aspect of this issue for me.

I wish I could write more, but I'm just not ready yet. In the meantime, I'm still listening...

[ben]

Thanks, anon. I'll be lifting you up as your continue to mull and seek and sort and well..you get the picture.

[tom]

Being a married man at the opposite end of this type of relationship I can give you my own perspective. I have a friendship with a single coworker who I have a lot in common with. We really hit it off and were just "office friends" for about a year. When she told me what a great friend I was to her I was really flattered (you don't often hear someone come right out with this) and asked her out to lunch. After we started going out to lunch, just the two of us (we never met outside of working hours) I developed a crush on her and this started to tear me apart since I don't want to break my family apart, I have two wonderful teenagers. As far as her meeting my wife, I had no interest and I sure my wife would not appreciate my "secret" lunch dates. It is possible to keep things on a "friends" level but if an emotional attachment develops, as it did with me, watch out if the ability to "move forward" in the relationship is not available!! Good luck trying to "keep your feelings under control". Spending time away from this woman was the only thing that worked for me to get my emotional health back in order. So now I have backed off and am trying to get my marriage in order or need to think about ending it (it's been a wreck for years). I would not however, trade my time with this woman for anything since I have such wonderful memories of our lunch dates. We really connected in many ways but never physically. Because I deeply cared for her I would never want to be disrespectful to her, myself, my children and my wife (even though we don't have a great marriage, we are married) by trying to initiate a physical relationship. I remember a lot of our conversations, what she wore, every restaurant we went to and so on. I just don't think this kind of thing can last, it's fleeting so enjoy it while it lasts, then wake up and deal with your own situation. From her perspective, I don't think I did her any good. She is lonely and from what I know she still has not met any eligible men so she is still not getting what she needs. We do however, continue to talk to each other occasionally and still have a fondness for each other, but this is only on a "when we happen to see each other around" basis. I just can't actively pursue her because I know the crush would come back and I would get torn up emotionally again. If two individuals do not develop an emotional attachment then I believe it is possible for a man and a woman to be friends. I have an old friend who is a woman from out of state. Since I never "felt" anything for her we remain friends but with my coworker it is not possible to be "just friends".

[beth]

My suggestion.....stay away, far, far away from the married man. Two years ago, I had just gotten divorced, was feeling vulnerable.....I had a very good male friend (married) that I played tennis with....he had many female friends, so I felt it was safe...we developed a very strong emotional connection that later, once I was divorced, turned into a physical relationship...foolish....it is now two years later and I have not moved on and harbor much guilt for my actions....it will only cause you grief...

[beth]

One more comment....why are you not looking for this emotional connection with an available man? I have asked myself this many times and realize that is the crux of my problems....what am I afraid of? The relationship seems safe, because you are convinced you won't take it further....but it happens...don't set yourself up for that kind of pain

[Red Mark II]

My family plays a kind of private game whenever we get know other married people who have opposite sex friendships. We take guesses on just how long they will last before a) there is an affair and b) when they will be divorced. So far, no one, no not one person, who we have known and guessed about has ever failed to achieve both. Unfortunately, we have known several people who have committed murder suicides. Yes, they're dead. Gone. That's reality. Yes, even the good wealth church people. As for those that simply end in emotional and relational disaster, our guesses are usually too far off in the future. And yet all, yes every single last one, insisted to no end that their relationship was only friendship and everything was safe. People know full well what they are doing and the danger they are playing with. I'm not looking down on you, but I think you know. You don't need anyone to tell you anything, and it sounds like you are going to do what you want. At some level there is an inconsistency of the heart. If you had a marriage to a man you loved, then you would want to protect it and not dangle your marriage to your loved one over the fire. If you care about this man, then you would force him to go in order to help protect his marriage. If you care about your parents marriage, then you would think it dangerous to your family life growing up had your mother or father had a private close opposite sex friend. Matters of the heart never happen in a day; bonds are forged over time with investments of our resources. Whenever we invest in one area, we must stop investing in another area. If you are going to keep seeing this other woman's husband, then that is your choice to deal with. But don't act like other people are foolish who wish to protect what they value; we live in a world where people are obviously having a problem being faithful. You and this man each have only so many resources in time, energy, conversation, etc. Instead of using these limited resources on his wife and growing his marriage stronger, he is spending them on you. Instead of spending these resources growing a same sex friendships for safe support, you are each spending that protection on one another. Some people might accuse me of being untrusting or insecure, but the fact is that I don't even trust myself to grow a friendship with someone of the opposite sex. And in such a situation I do feel insecure because such behavior is unsafe. My guess: 2 years.

[the anonymous single woman who ended her friendship with the married man]

My name is Kristy. I'm tired of secrets. In my heart, I have ended my friendship with the married man. I have not actually spoken the words to him, but I have changed his caller ID in my cell phone to: "Don't Settle". And I won't settle. I won't answer his calls anymore. He'll get the idea. And it will be easier on him this way. I don't want to risk a "breakup" scenario with emotions flying out of control.

I wish I could express how deeply I appreciate each comment that has been posted here. There were so many days when I typed a response to your comments -- but I always deleted them as I cried. I am thankful for the encouragement each of you has given me to do the right thing.

Today I am feeling strong and very sure of my feelings and my decisions. My emotional affair is over. I've not spoken to him in one week. Nothing physical ever happened; and for that, I am thankful. We cannot expect to sin & get by with it, so I'm sure there will be consequences to come. Maybe I will never know the consequences until years down the road. Who knows?

The truth is... I don't want to talk to him anymore. My relationship with him has handicapped me from opening myself emotionally to other guys... other guys who are single and available! I do want to meet "my" man. I am no longer satisfied with "borrowing" other wives' husbands. It's not enough. It never was.

I am so very truly thankful that this is ending now. To Red Mark II, I must say that your guessing game is quite accurate! I met the married man 2 years and 3 1/2 months ago. I have been wrong to be so critical of my young married friends who harshly advised me to end this affair. Perhaps I have to admit that I have been jealous of their marriages. I want what they have. And perhaps it even gave me a twisted sense of security and power to be "the other woman". I have a growing feeling in my heart that there are many more aspects of this to discover. I definitely know that I do not know what has happened or what will happen. It may take a while to process everything.

(Deep sigh of relief.) Oddly enough, I just remembered the words Jesus spoke to the woman caught in adultery... "Go and sin no more." That is what I can hear Him saying to me now. And I have already noticed that I am much more guarded with married men than I have been before. I'm not going down that path again. It's long and painful and confusing. And I'm not willing to sacrifice my daily relationship with God for it. Although I do not have a husband with whom to reconcile, I am focusing on the restoration of my relationship with the Lover of my Soul. His Love is what I really need right now. It's real. It's available. It's mine. It never fails. Even when we do!

Thank you all. God bless you and your ministry to strong Christian marriages. Someday, when I am married, I will think back to this blog and will finally realize... what only married people can realize. Until then, I will keep my heart away from married men! That's for sure!

[ben]

Kristy, That is wonderful. Your courage and feminine strength are truly beautiful. Your husband will be blessed.

[anj]

Oh Kristy- good on you for giving yourself what you need and what you are worth. The Lover of your soul must be looking very forward to this time in your relationship. Your heart is so precious, I am so glad you are willing to treasure it.

[christianwives]

We would also say that incidences of people at work on chat with their friends of the opposite sex whilst married is dangerous.
If you are on chat from 8 am to 5 pm with a friend of the opposite sex five days a week and then go home to a tired spouse, this is a recipe for chaos.
People will argue that probably they have been friends for years with this person with nothing happening. But it will sooner or later develop into an emotional relationship no matter how strong a Christian you are.
WARNING SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL DEPENDANCY:

1. Chat all day
2. Relying on this friend of the opposite sex to meet a certain need be it fixing a car or cooking food.
3. Wanting to spend time with this person and your spouse for a weekend or a ballgame thinking that since you are all friends its alright.
4. Calling them when you dont see them on chat or dont hear from them asking if they are alright.

Married people should pray an dnot allow the enemy to deceive them that all will be okay.Guard your hearts people.

[Joe Moran]

Below is an email I found on my PC from my wife to a friend of hers. this is her friend, not mine. for 6 years she has been telling me they are just friends and I have been telling her I was uncomfortable with it.
She has assured me they don't really even talk about much except the Lord, etc.
My concern was two married people divulging thier hearts which she denied ever happened. This e mail was written 2 months ago, even after our last fight in which I found out that on here vacation she spent 2 nights at his house! But he's a godly Christian she swears and what right do I have to even suspect them of anything!
Even if nothing ever happens, I am not now and never have been ok with this.
Now, she says to force her to end this frienship will cause too much pain to him!
I said, well if you had done it day one, when I first told you I felt it was a bad thing she wouldn't have to deal with this now.
I feel I have been more than patient, tried to understand...but now I think dshe has been engaged in an emotional affair and doesn't see it. Can some one please tel me if they see anything wrong with a married woman communicating on theis level with a man who is not her husband? Am i just insane...I need help!
The email was apparntly a response to something written to her, here it is:

I'm glad you're excited. That's nice...I am too.
There was a dichotomy that I couldn't get past and I had no idea where to go from there.
I had mixed messages that didn't fit together and because of that I went back and forth between the two.
Because of that, I felt very little stability and my emotions were all over the map.
God has needed to redefine a lot of things for me.
To say that He wants to be my protection meant I didn't need to build walls to protect myself from people who might injure me or from relationships that might not pan out...that much I understood. What I didn't understand was how to find the balance between being an open target and "trusting God to protect me" vs. being wise and using the God-given ability to discern to protect myself.
It's another thing to say that He wants to be my security.
That I can be secure in eternal things is a given, but there is no security here and there are no promises for this life. Things are always out of control and I know that I have to be okay with that. I am okay with that. I don't have security in anything else, so I don't put my hope in anything or anyone else.
But that created in me that cursed non-dependence that I hate so much...that thing that makes me say, "Yep, there is nothing here to put my hope in, so I guess I don't need anything or anyone here." But I see how extreme and stupid that is because still I do need people, I can't deny that anymore. That has made me angry, it made me feel weak and scared and like a fool but that is NOT right or healthy. It's pride and self-sufficiency and it's a tool the enemy uses against me to wall me in.
I have found myself in one of two places over these months: Either I don't want to need anyone or anything so that I can get on with it, or I want to allow myself to need people but that keeps proving dangerous and the mounting evidence tells my flesh it isn't worth it.
But I am told that I should need people because God wants us to, He made us that way and we experience Him through relationships. I have experienced that and I believe it. So the fact is, to love and to need is a risk. You either take it or you don't.
I can not try and live in both worlds, the safe non-needing world and the scary as hell needing world, because it is killing me. I want to either be safe to need or safe to not need. (of course the latter is no longer an option...thanks to you!)
On top of the relationship thing, there is the emptiness and loss of purpose. It's not uncommon for women my age to go through this. You live for your whole adult life knowing what you're doing, what you're about, and then all of a sudden you don't even know who you are or why you get up and draw breath everyday. I am lost. I feel lost. I don't want to make new friends but I don't want to be alone. I don't want to find new purpose and new experiences because it's scary but I don't want to stop living either. The thought of new relationships and experiences scares the shit out of me but I don't want to stay where I am either. I am scared and I am insecure and no one can fix this for me. I just have to keep freaking walking. That's what God said. I know that I won't get out of it by just sitting here. My fear and insecurity are so great right now that I am like a drowning person flinging around arms trying to grab onto anything that looks remotely stable (namely you) but am finding that no one else can do this for me. I have gotten mad at you because you weren't making it better for me...well hell, you can't! Sarah (another friend)can't either. Not only can you not change it, but there was suddenly less of you around and I felt even more insecure because, honestly I felt like, "Steve said he'd be here when I needed him and I need him and he's not here like he was, or like he said he would be." Well, you aren't NOT here and neither is Sarah. You're both still here but you can't be the totality of what I need. That's just a fact. And the more insecure I got, the more I would reach out and the more obnoxious I felt like I have been becoming. It is OKAY for me to need you but it's also okay for me to realize that I'm just in a bit of a crisis right now and no one can fix it. I'll be okay after awhile, this is not forever (the "temporal" thing God was trying to tell me) and God will get me through it, He'll give me the tools I need and quite frankly, I can not depend on you to the degree I have been. It's okay and not wrong or bad or unhealthy for me to be a little more independent. (or God-dependant) I know better now than to think I don't need anyone, I know I do and if I need to talk to you, you will be there, I know you will. But if I want to drown you in my need because I won't look to the Lord and be strong in the right way, you will suffer and so will our relationship. I refuse to do that to you, that is pure selfishness. There is a place where it is right to say, "Freaking suck it up and go to God and pray...stop putting all your shit on your friends." You may disagree, but I am not going to waver on any of that. What I have been feeling and how I have been reacting is not healthy. I finally feel like I have found the balance between needing and not needing, being too independent and too dependant.
You are only a person you are not God and I am OKAY. I know you're not going anywhere...and if you do I'll hunt you down and slap the crap out of you because you told me you'd be there and I believe you. Thank you for being a safe enough person to take that huge risk for. You have not disappointed me and have been true to your word.
I needed you to teach me how to need people and I needed you to demonstrate a safe relationship for me and you have. It is time for me to take off the training wheels now and actually use all the stuff you have been teaching me, not lean on you more and make you do it for me. I get it. I really do and I feel MUCH better. I love you. Have a great day. By the way, I can't wait to hear some day what your vision of your release is. I know it's coming.

(my wife's name here)

[Jow Moran]

I wanted to add this: the problem I had with my wife staying at "His" house was that she was supposed to be staying with a girl friend in the same area but some thing came up and she stayed at his house in stead. the problem is that he was seperated at the time. My wife did not tell me she stayed there, not did she reveal to me he was seperated.
A mutual friend slipped and told me the story!
I am in great conflict right now and feel very vioated. We have been happily married for 24 years. my wife assures me it me she loves, and I know it's true. i just can not accept this friendship!

[If Only I Could Do This Over]

Anonymous, you should be very careful with the situation you are in. I wish I had under similar circumstances.

I am a married man who for several years worked with a single woman almost 15 years my junior. We became friends over lunches, coffee and phone calls as I found her interesting and enjoyed her company. While nothing physical occurred, an emotional link clearly was formed. In hindsight, I realize now that the foundation for trouble had been put in place during this period, all I needed was to be tested.

Several years ago, this woman and I were put on the same project and started working very closely, including commuting several hours together daily. One day, she noted a company event that was near our work site and suggested we stay over at a local hotel and have dinner together to reduce time on the road the next day. My sixth sense told me to say "no" but I went along because of the excitement that the idea of her and I having a candlelight dinner represented. We ended up having several drinks and kissing that night then progressed shortly to a physical relationship and ultimately fell head over heels in love.

To make a long story short, we carried on this affair for more than 6 years before we agreed to break it off. Over this period, I refused to leave my wife and family because, believe it or not, my children and a good home for them is the most important thing in the world to me. The other woman stayed with me nonetheless while I lived two lives and went through the motions with my wife. Call me an ass, incredibly selfish, weak, godless. Do so as I'm all that and more. I have no excuse for my behavior and only myself to blame for all this. WHAT WAS I THINKING! That's just the problem, I wasn't thinking of anyone but me and my needs. Some would call it a mid-life crisis but I don't subscribe to that as we all need to take responsibility for our actions no matter our age.

While no one learned of the affair, this woman and I have done untold damage to ourselves as we now go our separate ways with deep scars from the wasted time and wondering what might have been. In retrospect, I've come to realize that my wife is truly the love of my life, my soulmate and my life partner. We have so much shared history and things to look forward to as we approach retirement and grandchildren. I am so very lucky that my world did not blow up in my face and pray every day, with the help of God, to channel all my emotional energy and love to make my relationship and marriage with my wife the very strongest and fullfilling it can be.

I had a very happy, strong and loving marriage with a beautiful, intelligent, dynamic woman and mother for 22 years before I let this affair start. I am ashamed of myself and have committed to never letting any type of emotional bond form again with any woman under any circumstance. Woman as friends with their husbands/boyfriends along with my wife is a yes but personal 1-on-1 time with a woman is a no.

The bottomline, Anonymous? Save yourself heartache and pain and keep that man at physical and emotional arms length.