How We Can Help

How can we help you? 

One, there is a lot of information, links and resources on this site.  That is my gift to whoever wanders by.  I've been privileged to 'meet' numerous wonderful men and women around the world through blogging. 

Two, we offer coaching by phone.  Call 660.422.2512 and we'll set it up.  I email a couple of forms to you, you let me know the original is signed and on the way in snail mail and we'll get started.  The fee for this is pretty much whatever you want to pay. During these times of confusion many people don't know where to turn and I can help most people.

Three, we offer three day intensives.  You get both Ann and me for this.  You'll generally fly in Friday with your spouse and spend the night at a nearby hotel.  We get started bright and early Saturday morning.  Come ready to focus and work on yourself and your marriage.  You can take in the sights another time or tack days onto your trip.  Over Saturday, Sunday, and Monday we spend a total of fourteen hours with you.  Some of the time is teaching and some counseling.  We send pre-intensive reading ahead so we can dive right in on Saturday.  The fee for this is $1400.  All transportation, lodging, food and incidentals are at your expense. 

Four, we hold two and three day Marriages Restored Weekend Conferences.  We've found that around eight couples is a good number.  The last one we held was in May 2005 at Palmer Lake, Colorado.  We cover similar material as the intensive but there is more teaching versus counseling.  Here is a sample schedule of what we do at a three day weekend.  We are willing to travel for these if you'd like to bring us to your area. We are holding a two day conference the last weekend in January 2007 in Warrensburg, MO. This will for couples experiencing more struggle than intimacy. Estimate 35-40 couples will attend. 

Five, we speak together and separately.  We have spoken at our own conferences, breakout sessions at Restoring The Glory (a conference dedicated to the redemption of broken sexuality), church services, pre-marital classes, undergraduate and graduate level classes, women's retreats, men's retreats, bible studies, MOPS, small groups, other seminars and on television.  We are willing to travel for this as well.   

Our hearts are to minister out of our pain and brokenness.  God has and continues to pour his grace into our souls and we seek to pass this on to others who are dealing with difficult times in life.     

Comments

[mattharmless]

Wow, 300 posts. Excellent job.

I read your blog all of the time. (Even though I don't comment all that often.) And I just wanted to encourage you to keep up the good work.

p.s. The "my long walk home" lady is doing great, and walking with the Lord.

[Barbara]

"broken and redeemed" How true for my husband and myself also. one of the best things about marriage is that if you fall our of love, it keeps you together until you fall back in love.
Great Blog
Barbara

[ben]

Matt, Thanks for your encouragement. I'm glad to get the update and excited when a couple makes it through the worst.

Barbara. Good thoughts. I'll check out your blog. Thanks.

[Julie Anne Fidler]

You offer really inexpensive counseling, and that's refreshing.
I'd love to hear you speak.

[susan]

my marriage is in the thoes of splitting up.both of us were involved in extra marital affairs due to distance between us.I have known about his affairs but he just cant seem to get over the fact that I had an affair that lasted for a month(before I came to my senses!)I need my marriage.I need for him to get over my deceit.I need for us to make it work.pls

[ben]

Thanks, Julie Anne.
Susan, There sure is a lot of pain there for you all. Have you asked him what he needs from you to help restore trust?

[Bob]

I stumpled across this blog and decided to take a chance and write. I disperately need help. I feel like I am throwing a message in a bottle into the ocean, with the hope that someone will find it who can give me guidance. I am deeply into an affair of more than two years. I live with my affair partner having left my wife of 23 years. My wife and I have two beautiful young children. I love my wife, but we grew apart. At the time I entered into the affair, my wife and I had virtually no sex life. I was attracted to the woman I became involved with at several levels, but sex was a strong component. I feel terrible guilt and sorrow every day. Before I never cried, but now I cry daily in private. I miss my wife and our family life, although I see my children regularly. My wife and I are now in the process of divorcing. My affair partner is angery because of the length of time it has taken. I tell her that these things take time. But I know that I could have pressed things more aggressively. She senses my continued attachment (how can I erase memories that span almost a quarter century). The fact is that part of me wishes that my wife would tell me she loves me, that she can't live without me, and that she wants me to come home. I have told my wife that I have felt like someone caught in a strong current, a rip tide, that has pulled my further and further away. I have begged my wife for her help, telling her that I needed her love and strength, and that I needed her to fight for me. I have told her that I did not have the strength to break free of the current alone. She has remained relatively passive. I question whether her love for me was strong enough. I know that I have done wrong, betrayed my wife and sinned against God, but I feel strangely abandoned by wife because she has not approached me on a strong emotional level to restore our marriage. I feel like I am held hostage to my affair partner. She is a strong personality, she watches me closely, and she can be unreasonable and demanding, but she is passionate and we enjoy each others company much of the time. My beloved wife on the other hand, has stood by, despite my crys for help, while the current has carried me away. Please help me, I am so lost.

[ben]

Bob, I am glad you found our site. There is much in your comment.
You identified many deficits in your marriage. The marriage lacked passion, sex and connection. My guess is you and your wife weren't able to handle conflict well so quit trying and gradually it was easier to coexist instead of talk about all of these important matters. This does speak to the pain in your soul. It sounds like you are aware this still doesn't justify the affair and that it was and is a poor choice hurting all three of you.
I feel as far as your wife pursuing you and fighting for you that you have that backwards. It is you who should be pursuing and fighting for her. Whatever your words have been the last two years your actions have said that you don't really love her and she doesn't really matter. I know that isn't true but that is what you've communicated.
There is a strength in you that you haven't tapped into. You will need help in breaking free from the affair but that is up to you to find some men to help you with that. I encourage you to talk to friends who know you well, a counselor who will be for your marriage, a pastor perhaps or all of the above and cry 'calfrope' as they say in Missouri. You need some help getting out of this and you won't be able to do it without support. Find 3-4 men who will really be there for you and help you. It will hurt to do this. There will be a huge loss for you in leaving your affair partner, I could be wrong but that sounds like what you want to do. I think also you'll find deeper depths in your soul than you ever imagined.
After that the goal is to work on the relationship with your wife. She is wounded to the core of who she is. Ideally you can work on the relationship together and individually for a year or more and then decide if you want to stay married. Most who really put in the effort do stay married but there are no guarentees. The goal isn't to go back to what you had but to have a better relationship than ever before. It is possible but it takes hard work, dealing with a lot of pain and being humble and looking at your own stuff.
Bob, I am in your corner now find a few more guys.

[Lisa]

Hi-I stumbled upon this website looking for more answers...my husband confessed to me last October (2005)-little over 3 months ago-while in a church-related service realized he had to tell me (all he said was "I'm sorry"...he was going to talk to me on the lunch break, but other people sat with us). We were out of town on business-at a business conference about 4 hours away from home. That Sunday evening on our way home, he proceeded to tell me WHAT he said "sorry" about during the alter call @ the church service...he had committed adultery...he proceeded to tell me (there was a lot of silence in between--I started getting really upset, no where to go because we were in the car)...it was like I had to PULL it out of him almost. It happened with a lady at his work(WHOM WAS 10 YEARS OLDER THAN HE!!!!)--he worked on the floor at a plant & she was in the office area...he said it was about 8 1/2 yrs ago this happened! It lasted about 8 months--he said he stopped everything. He told me it was ALL LUST DRIVEN...he had proceeded to tell me (I asked him a lot of questions!!) that when he was about 12 yrs. old, he & a friend got looking at Porno magazines & it got to be addicting to him & he really had a problem. I never knew anything about this(& we've been married for almost 18 years)! We married in Feb '88, he was in the military at the time...he got out in Sept 1990. We found out I was pregnant w/ our 1st child Jan '91 & he got a letter calling him back to active duty(Desert Shield/Storm time)--he was flown to Ft Drum, NY--was there for 3 months!!
Getting back to being on the way home from our business conference...he wasn't going to tell me but I found out he also had an affair with a girl in Ft Drum, NY while he was there!! He said they met at a dance club, went to her apartment, and......he said it happened "three times" & he called it off!
Over the course of that night through the following two nights, there was more info I dreaded hearing! He admitted to having a one night (oral sex)--with the wife of a sergeant of his in the military (no dates on when it was--he said he couldn't really remember); and another time (he was unsure if anything happened), but he was with a buddy out to the bars--they were in the military, but on leave a couple hours away @ his buddies house--they both ended up coming back w/ girls & he drank a little too much to remember if anything happened, but he woke up next to this girl!!
He told me that this was all out of lust (from the problem he had with the pornography). He said he felt he didn't really know what love was.
I made a statement of us getting married young--we got married when he was almost 21 & I was almost 20. Maybe he (we) wasn't really ready for that yet. We did counsel a little with a pastor though before we did. Maybe that wasn't enough counsel??
Him & I were having some issues through the years--before kids & after. Always had an issue with "communication"--that was I guess a pretty major problem between us. I wrote him a lot of letters. I was brought up that way, & I guess it carried on. Then we had both children (our second being a little over 1 year old when he had that 8-month fling with the office lady). Yes, not only did we have communication barriers, but we had sex problems (I didn't want it--I felt fat, ugly, etc.....).
We are currently working on our marriage, etc. We have been seeing a Pastor that counsels at our church--which has been good for us. It is going to take time for things to heal--I have been going through ALOT!!!! Sometimes I can't seem to stop my mind from thinking things I really shouldn't think about & it makes me really upset, I get like anxiety-type symptoms(my heart races, I get really angry sometimes...). Sometimes I think I want to know MORE about the WHAT, WHERE, HOW, WHY, WHO of these incidences but I don't know if that would do more harm than good??!! I feel I am left in the dark with a lot of this & maybe I should fill in these "missing pieces of the puzzle"!!??
We do sit down together & study the Bible; pray; we do Nightly Devotionals (Dr. James Dobson's "NightLight") together. It seems that I am closer to him now than ever before, but I don't know if it's because I think about the other women being with him, & it makes me want to be with him more, or what??!! Our sex life has been phenomenal!! Which at times stuns me because I think a lot about him being with these other women & it does something to me that horrifies me--like maybe one of them did something totally phenomenal for him that I don't/can't do...and maybe they had a great, sexy body.....my mind goes & goes--I hate it sometimes, I want it to go away!!! I wonder what he saw in the women that were 10 years (& maybe more) older than him!!!! Him & I are 10 1/2 months apart in age.
Another thing is going out in public--I look at women (and men) so differently!!! It is terrible but I look at most of the women out there badly--that most of them would be candidates for adulterers, and or women that prey on married men, etc. I didn't use to be this way!!! What can I do???? HELP ME!!
It is insecurity I know, some jealousy, and of course there is a "trust" issue with my husband too!!
You have to know that years ago when my husband & I first got together, & got married--it took many years to get past feeling insecure & jealous over other women (even on the TV!!)--it seemed like I got a lot better about it, I so trusted my husband--never dreamed of him doing any of this, although I mentioned a few times about it because of the problems we were having--he reassured me he would never find someone else!! AND now, here we go--back to feeling that insecurity again, low self-esteem, & not feeling the trust I want to feel in him!!!!!!! I am searching for the answer....although I know reading the Bible & praying over this & speaking positive things over our situation helps!! And learning how to communicate with each other is a huge one!!!!
Well, I hope to hear back from you....thanks so much--God Bless You Both!!!!!
Lisa

[ben]

Lisa, I'm glad you all are seeking to work things out. All of your 'symptoms' are classic affair betrayed partner thoughts and emotions. You have been through an emotional trauma. There is no answer other than to keep processing and reading and counseling. There are books on this site on the righthand column about recovering from affairs, and pornography/sexual addiction. I encourage you to get a couple to help the process along. You aren't crazy or defective, only human.

[JESSICA]

Hi, My husband is in iraq for his second tour. When he came back the first time i had so much touble believing that i was what he wanted i have no idea why... i just couldnt seem to overcome it. We were working through things and i was doing everything that i could to get past it, praying etc. And i was just starting to get better when i found out my husband was having an online "emotional affair" and had said all these things about not wanting me that we were divorcing etc. He told me that he never meant any of those things and he loved only me and we were working thru all that (i was absolutely devastated) and he really did everything to show me that he wasn't doing anything and would give up anything but then he got sent to iraq again and it just seems like im pouring out every bit of me to show him that i love him and to keep us connected and he has just felt more and more distant despite me telling him that i need his help, and then new years he told me that some girl kissed him he said he pulled away but i just dont know whats going on and i don't know what to do. I feel like im the only one fighting for our marriage and he tells me he loves me but i don't feel it and i don't know how to believe him and it seems like he doesn't asnswer hardly any of my questions and he doesn't do the things i ask... I just dont know what to do from here. Thank you so much for your time. God bless

[ben]

Jessica, Your situation sounds very difficult. It is hard to handle tension from thousands of miles away.
Given the situation I feel all you can do at this point is take what he says at face value. If he says he loves you instead of seeing if you feel it or not try to take it in.
One simple way to help this is to reflect it back to him. When he says it merely reflect, "You love me." or something of the sort.
I don't think it is the answer to all your problems. But it doesn't seem to me that during a long deployment is the best time to really work on your marriage.
I encourage you to get some support through a chaplain, small group or other source on your post. Now is a great time to decide who you want to be and really do some significant growing and changing.
Bless you during these trying times.

[Joe Moran]

I found your site last night. I posted on the married man and unmarried woman relationship blog/thread.
I have my story/concern on that page becuase i think my wife in in an emotional relationship with a man. It seems that she has become aware of her dependancey and may be on the other side of it. Yet she is still clinging and holding on to the relationship in a way. She felt I have no reason to be mad or hurt by this and feels I simply have intimacy problems i need to adress.
I have been asking her since the first day 6 years ago i felt a connection between to two
occur at church.
The whole time she claims it has been based on friendship only and that i should be secure.
for about 6 years she has told me they are just friends and rarely even talk except to catch up, but this e mail i found indicates she had become very dependant on him to meet her needs to be safe, etc.
He lives half the country away from us but they have a continuing phone, phone messaging and email friendship that I did not know about.
Anyway, I am struggling with a whole lotta hurt today. Thanks for listening.
JM

[ben]

Joe, I read all your comments. I think you are on the money with it. The secrecy and deception tells you so. I am sorry for all of the pain you are dealing with.
One of my wife's favorite tricks while she was in the affair was to turn it back on me. I'm glad you found us.

[marie]

You know, I am married for over 20 years, and I have a husband who was the worst,everything you can do wrong, he did. I really hate him. And so I fell in love with a married man 10 years ago. But here is the thing, I really love this other man and I know from experience how much an affair hurts and so I leave him alone. I leave him to his healthy marriage and do not pursue him. That is what it means to be in love with another man. Sure I feel like crap because he has what I would have loved to have but thats another story.

[ben]

Thanks for sharing Marie. Blessings to you.

[jessica]

Hi, i wrote a while back about my husband who is in Iraq. As i said before he has had an emotional affair before- he was a member of a few sex dating sites and said on there that we were in the middle of a divorce and that he was looking for sex etc. he had secret e-mail accounts and was e-mailing a few girls and talking about having sex with them. He said he only wanted someon to talk to and didnt mean it but eve after i caught him he wrote one of the girls and told her that he was caught but he'd still like to have sex w/ her. Then this thing happened, he said some girl kissed him over in iraq, but his story doesnt really make sense and hes told me a couple different things, then the other day i found an e-mail confirming a subscription to a porn e-zine which he says he knows nothing about, but he has a military account which doesnt just get junk mail like some accounts. What should i do? he says he feels like i will never believe him but it doesnt seem that hes being truthfull and hes becoming more distant now hes saying that hes angry and resentful toward me and if things dont change he thinks we'll divorce. i am doing everything that ican to show him i love him to ask forgiveness where ive been wrong and to look for what i can change but i just am confused, i want it to work, but i want the truth. I wrote him and told him that I feel he has an addiction and that it has to be dealt with that i love him and will help him but he has to get help. I know that its in Gods hands , but i would appreciate any counsel you may have. thank you

[ben]

Jessica, I am sorry your marriage is going this way. It does seem there is a lack of trust at this time and a real reason for the lack of trust. I think I said before that I feel this is too sensitive an issue to fully deal with long distance. That leaves you in a place of significant suffering at this point. I'm not telling you anything new there, just trying to honor the pain you are in.
Your letter sounds like a good one. I would continue to pray and wait and see the impact it has on him.
God's blessings to you in this time.

[Lisa]

Is there anyone with the same problem I have? I am married to a wonderful man for 8 years. We have two children together. The problem is I can't seem to get over his wild past. He starting partying as a teenager and spent most of his life from then on doing the same. He has been with probably a hundred women but says none of them ever meant anything to him. He has been married three times prior to our marriage which is very hard for me. He has always been the one to do the breaking up in any relationship. The first one was to his girlfriend in college, says he felt kind of "obligated" to marry her because it was "expected" of them. That one was annulled after only a few months. The next time was to someone who "pressured" him and got pregnant leaving him feeling trapped in a marriage for the kid's sake for six years. Then, he was briefly married to a girl who was very poor who already had a baby (not his) and no place to go and he basically felt sorry for her. That too ended in annullment after a few months. My husband is a real "people pleaser" with a big heart and has done a lot of things (like those above) under the influence of alcohol, along with all the promisciuous behavior. Just one party after another and one girl after another, none of them meaning a thing to him and he says he has never been in love until he met me. He cheated on everyone he has ever been with and he says he was never exclusive with anyone. With us though we have a special relationship and I know he has not cheated on me. We are almost always together. He adores me and our children. Why can't I get past his being with other woment before I came along? I picture them together and it hurts so bad and causes me a lot of anxiety. Everything he tries to do with me or for me, my first reaction is "has he done this same thing with/for another girl in the past?" Crazy, I know but that's what I think. Anyone else have this problem? Please help.

[ben]

Lisa, I put your question on my latest post to get it more exposure. Here is the link or just go to the main page. http://marriages.typepad.com/marriages/2006/03/help_with_memor.html

[Tony]

What can you offer for the betrayed spouse whose spouse (well, now ex spouse) refuses to end the affair and refused any sort of counselling, mediation during the divorce, etc?

[ki]

I found this site and it feels good to read about someone who experienced similar to my situation.
I recently cheated on my Fiance, we were engaged for 7 years together for 8. We have a 7 year old son together and we have had some hard times.
I to was very controlling and mean, I was angry from a past traumatic child hood. I took it out on him. I did not even realize what I was doing. I was so jaded and so angry for so long.
He withdrew form me for good reason and it made me even angrier and I felt rejected and unwanted. This wonderful, understanding man no longer understood and I just died inside.
I literally died.
I met a man on the internet that seemed to take interest and we emailed and we talked on the phone and I lied to him to. He did not even know my real name. It carried on about 5 montsh and he drove down with two day notice 1000 miles and I agreed reluctantly to meet him, big mistake. We drank champaigne and we had sex. It only lasted a few minutes before I stopped and I left. I could not go home for hours, "what had I done" I did not and do not love him. I felt nasty, dirty and could not even admit it to my fiance. I was so ashamed and I still am. He found out by calling him and I was devestated by what I did. It hit me like a brick and I hurt him so.
He is a gracious man as he is still with me and trying to work things out. I love him and I pray he forgives me and that we can forward with our relationship. I am so sorry for what I have done.

[Lili]

5 weeks ago I found out that my husband of 10 years had a 3 1/2 year relationship with another woman. He decided to tell me as she got crazy (she had panic atacts in the past and now she had some "visions"???)and disapeared (was found after 2 days). I still can't believe.... He wanted to start over, apologized for hurting us (we have 7-year old daughter) and said it was a mistake. He got very close to this woman as they spoke on the phone ALL THE TIME EVERY DAY!!!! and saw each other quite often. She wanted him to leave us, but he never did although he was threading me that he will leave me (if I don't pay more attention to him and lose weight - I am a little overweight).
So he promised not to contact her, but after that he asked to have 2-3 months to break up with her due to her mental state. So she started to call him again, and I started to freak out. Finally, he instalted her and me over the phone. She did not call him for 3 days and now they are on the phone again... in the meantime he plans his future with us (vacation plans, getting a dog for our daughter, adding addition to the house....).
He did not tell me that she is calling him again and I belive that they met (I saw his eyes so tired and sad the other day when he came from a "walk"). I don't know what to do. I do not want to lose him and I am not able to tolerate this kind of behaviour and dishonesty...
His family knows all about that and his mother spoke with a few times (he is very close to her), but this obviously didn't work...
Also, I need to mention that OW knew that my husband lives with someone and that there is a child before ahe got involved with him. Even after we all found out about the affair, she asked him to meet her family and to live with her (after 4 years she has not realized he doe not want to do that?!!!). So she is definately determined to get him and does not care if there are children that will suffer because of that. How can I stop this??? Please HELP!!!!!

[ben]

Lili, I am sorry for all the pain you are in. I recommend the book Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. Most likely this will continue on indefinately unless you take a stand. You will have to be willing to lose him if he chooses to leave. Or you can live with just part of him. Be aware thought that it isn't uncommon for it to take a couple of attempts to end the other relationship.
Realize for him that losing the other relationship is a significant loss for him. He will have to grieve that.
Also, he really isn't loving her. The best way to end affairs is to end them now. Her family can take care of her. She isn't his responsibility.
Blessings and courage on your journey.

[ben]

ki, Thanks for sharing. May you both experience grace and healing as you journey through this difficult time.