Part 4 Ann Wilson--My Affair

Ben called Barney that day and told him to either come get me out of his house or leave me alone.  I knew the choice Barney would make…he would leave me alone.  Barney and I talked once that day so that I could also tell him the affair was over.  I also talked with his wife that night and he must have told her because she didn’t feel it was appropriate for us to talk considering all that had happened that day.  There was perhaps a business message or two that needed to be taken care of following the revelation, but by week’s end, we had ended all communication and have not talked since the week of September 6^th, 1994.

So began the long road to healing.  I chose to quit my job, at the chagrin of my boss (and her boss).  The company was trying to convince me to stay and they would fire Barney.  These were some pretty powerful words that seemed to be competing with the anger I was unexpectedly experiencing from Ben.  You see, anger comes with conflict and we were conflict avoiders so we hadn’t come face to face with much of that.  What was good about his anger and my despair were that we were finally beginning to feel.  We both made a conscious decision to feel everything.  Not only feel it, but talk about it.

In the process of talking everything through, it was revealed that Ben had been involved in an emotional affair back when he worked at the trucking company.  He had never perceived it as a threat because it was never physical. What we began to realize was how this emotional affair set in motion some dynamics that set me up for the physical affair I had.  Ben was giving his heart to Betty, not me.  He had left me lonely, abandoned and emotionally vulnerable. He began to own his share of that and how he had hurt me.

The next fourteen months were full of ups and downs.  Some aspects of healing I feel we did right was that we talked…a lot.  We also surrounded ourselves with community, this included friends and counselors.  We became transparently honest with one another.  We opened up our souls to one another.  My priorities began to shift from outside of God’s order and design to inside His order and design.  I began to focus on Him, His image and who He had created me to be, not what He created me to do.  Ben realized that more than anything else he wanted to be close to God and in order to do that, he would have to forgive me.  The process of forgiveness had already begun, but it took a huge leap with this realization.

After those first fourteen months we felt like we were on more solid footing.  We felt like we would make it.  That’s not to say there weren’t difficult days ahead, but we had the hope to pull us through them, hope that a better day lay ahead.  We began to make plans for the future, which had been put on hold those long, dark fourteen months.  Ben wanted to return to seminary, but not for a Masters of Divinity to preach.  He now knew that he wanted to counsel others who had been through the hell we had, because had it not been for some key people in our lives encouraging us that there was hope, I’m not sure we would have made it. 

Ben’s Chaplain in the Army Reserves suggested a graduate counseling program in Denver, Colorado.  So we sold the house (and half the stuff we owned), sold the car, gave away the dog and moved to Colorado.  That was eight and a half years ago.  During this time we have both grown tremendously.  I also completed my Masters in Counseling degree hoping that we could counsel and minister to couples together, which is exactly what we get to do with our work in Pastoral Care at a church in Denver.  We get to do counseling, lead infidelity groups, teach premarital classes, lead seminars.  Wow!

Our relationship today is more than I ever imagined it could be on our wedding day.  We have a level of intimacy that is amazing and is our best protection against infidelity sneaking it’s way into our lives again.  Ben is the protector of our family.  He has regained a strength that he was designed to possess.  And he is now my persistent pursuer.  I am no longer the controlling, guarded woman.   I have learned to rest.  And it is in that rest that I have discovered (and am still discovering) the woman God designed me to be rather than the woman the world demanded I be.

We have learned much about one another and about how to love one another.  We are honest.  We play.  We laugh.  We cry.  We love. 

Comments

[TheBloke...IntheOuter]

Thanks for sharing. After reading through your posts, I am resolving to spend more time with my wife even though we seem to have a good relationship, and there doesn't seem to be any threat of any infidelity at the moment, but I can see how important it is to keep the romance alive and not to coast.

[Curt]

Thank you for sharing your story so openly and courageously, Ann. The fact that Ben and you worked through the pain to make your relationship better than ever is a real inspiration to those of us who love marriage.

[Rey]

This is all very inspiring and moving as well, illustrating so clearly how something like an affair can happen when we're the most vulnerable. In general, why are we all so afraid to poke through that barrier and talk to each other when we're vulnerable?

[Ann]

Some are shocked when I talk about sharing my story. "Won't others judge you?" seems to be their fear. For me, it is a privilege and honor to share God's redemption. And your responses are part of why I share my story...encouraging others to step beyond that fear of rejection (to answer your general question Rey) we all have at our core and risk knowing the richness and redemption that God intended for our marriages.

[anj]

Ann, This is one of the first full posts I've read after coming back from Hawaii.I'm very glad I made that choice. Thank you for taking the time and sharing your story with us.

[anj]

Ann, mea gain, I was thinking of this post in the middle of the night, after Len ( my husband) awakened me to talk about some of his worries. There are so few who understand the preciousness of marriage, and the value of protecting your heart for your spouse. Although I would have rather had a good night's sleep, I am grateful that I am the one my husband chose to share his worried heart with. Again, thank you speaking truth about marriage and life.

[Anon]

So my husband has discarded his faith. After that he began an emotional affair that has progressed to a physical affair. He's open with it and we've dealt with a lot of the issues we've had. But while he wants to remain friends and raise our kids together, he no longer wants to be my husband and wants to pursue romance with others. It's been very hard and I just feel adrift. Any guidance?

[Ann]

Anj: Thank you for your encouraging comments. I hope you are getting rest and talking with Len :)

Anon: It is very difficult when both don't want to restore the marriage. I recommend you find a good counselor in your area to talk through and deal with all that you are feeling. It is natural to feel adrift during this time. All that you've known has been pulled out from under you. May God's mercy hold you.

[Nyararai]

Thank you Ann and Ben for sharing your story.This is a powerful story and reminds me of the vows we made to be together for better and for worse.

God Bless you both.My husband is having an affair and i just want to pack the children and walk away.Your story makes me realise maybe that is not God's plan for us.

[ben]

Nyararai, Our hearts go out to you in this difficult time. Our prayers are with you.

[Shanah]

Ann,
Praise God for His mercy and loving kindness!
Your story sounds alot like mine and my husbands'. We also feel compelled to help those struggling with infedelity. We feel as though the Lord brings people to us. And uses us as His vessels.

Keep up the great work! Your such an inspiration to those struggling with this stronghold.

May God continue to bless your marriage!
Yours in Christ,
Shanah

[Suzanne]

My husband and I divorced a year ago,he is living with a woman 20 years younger than himself and her toddler.He is now saying he wants to come home to me and our four children,but I am unsure what to do.Can he come home straight from her house or does their need to be a transition?We had an abusive marriage and he wont go to counseling unless I move him back home with us.He does now say he will go to counseling,but I think a marriage group would be better. I really need counsel and I have no support of my pastor for reconciliation.Please pray and offer any advice you have.I understand how my husband ended up with her when I divorced him, because I have a christian man always trying to become FAMILY with me and these kids. I think God wants me back with Jason, to have our family whole, but I am scared to do this with no support of solid Christians.Jason is saved, but is not walking with the Lord.Thank you for your time.Suzanne

[man saddened]

Thanks for your story. I am finishing a masters in Counseling Psych. In March-May of last year my wife had an affiar. There are MANY parallels to your experience though in our's we were missionaries who had recently returned from overseas with our three children. I decided to go to school, my wife was offered a very good job opportunity, she received many positive and romantic gestures from a man she (still) WORKS with and had the affair. She was caught by his wife, we are 10 months in, I HATE that she still has contact with him, have suicidal considerations, am in deep pain (she is too along with shame and guilt), I have empathy for her, but am very numb. Holding on to hope in Christ, trying to believe in what I once believed.

[ben]

man, Blessings to you as you persevere. Are you getting support at school?

[MainlineMom]

Thank you so much for both of you sharing your stories and your journey through this blog. I can't explain why online, but it means a lot to me.

[ben]

You are welcome, Mainline. Thanks for your encouragement.

[CINDY]

I read your story. You are one of the lucky few. My husband has had an affair with same woman off and on over the past 12 years. Funny part is a couple that we are close with are also going through the same thing. WE ARE ALL CHRISTAINS! My husband told me the other night that the husband in the other marriage should have continued to lie to his wife and kids until the kids gew up. My husband had told people for years he was only in our marriage until our children had grown up. We are in marital couseling with a christain principle. ( the therapist has us working on the 5 types of affairs by emily brown) I was shocked to learn that my husbands opinions are opposite for the couple of what he wants with us. I call this a forked tongue. His opinion has shown me his character! Opposite of the word of god. I have no choice but to seek a divorce now. I feel that God does not want me to be doormat to a liar and cheat. I pray every day now for myself and that somehow in the end God blesses me. I sure did try to save my marriage but I am only a human who can't take anymore for my own emotional well being. Marriage counseling and GOD can only help if both partners want it. My partner thinks lying is okay.

[Sovann]

I'm glad I found your blog.
May God continue to bless you and your ministry!

[ann]

Thank you so much!!

[ak]

I can identify with your emotional distance and hope someday to overcome my own.
Suzanne, I hope you can resist this abusive man. It is so easy to be manipulated when you don't want to admit it is going on. Do not mourn what is lost, without closure you cannot be whole. I was very touched by your post and will pray God heals you with His love.

[Davida]

Thank you for sharing this. It gives me hope.