Here is the interview with the Happy Husband from the last three days.
Ben Wilson is the blogger behind Marriages Restored. He and his wife Ann have a ministry for couples who want to rebuild their marriages after infidelity. This ministry grew out of their own experiences recovering from infidelity in their own marriage. You can read the stories of Ann's affair and of Ben's emotional affair on the Marriages Restored site. I recently interviewed Ben via e-mail.
You've said on your blog that sex outside of a marriage is not the only kind of infidelity. What other kinds are there?
In reality one can have an affair with anything or anybody. Think of things you are passionate about and give your heart to. If one begins to give aspects of his/her soul that is reserved for marriage over to this person, thing or activity an affair is taking place.
A classic example is a man whose passion goes into his work. His wife feels that she isn't getting the most alive parts of his heart but doesn't know how to address it or attempts to and is greeted with, "I'm working as hard as I can and making money so we can have a better life and all you can do is complain." Something in her says, "Fine. I'll just pour my energy into the kids." He is successful at work so that looks good. She is at all the school functions and involved as a volunteer there and at church too. That looks good, but both are giving a big piece of their soul elsewhere that was intended for their marriage.
On your blog, you mention your emotional affair at least as much as you mention your wife's physical affair, if not more. Do you think the two kinds of affairs are equal in their destructiveness?
I mention my emotional affair sometimes just to give my failures and being a mess equal airtime. J Affairs generally don't happen in a vacuum.
Emotional and physical affairs are both destructive. I would use different instead of equal or less than etc.
When a couple gets married they usually vow to forsake all others as long as they both shall live. I believe that includes both emotionally and physically.
Emotional affairs can be more difficult to end because the couple rationalizes that since they resisted having sex they really haven't done anything wrong. This is wrong.
In my case, and many people use this language, the other person and the emotional entanglement works like a drug. There were times following the revelation of Ann's affair that I would talk to my emotional affair partner over the phone. With the first syllable out of her mouth I would physically feel a chemical release throughout my body better than any anti-depressant. I instantly felt pain evaporate. I felt her acceptance and not Ann's rejection. That's powerful stuff.
Soon, the counselor helped me to see the damage I was doing to all three of us in the relationship. He also helped me to admit that if my partner pursued me aggressively in a physical way I could easily have been right where Ann was. The damage of emotional affairs seems to be minimized and rationalized away easier than physical affairs but they are causing incredible damage.
Christians often make the mistake of praying with the other person and denying the physical attraction. Prayer is more intimate than sex in some ways and that really deepens the bond.
When ending it, just end it. People tend to try to want to end it 'nice.' When the line is crossed, the line is crossed and the lingering feelings will stay in the way of the marriage.
Day 2
Most Christians believe divorce is a sin, except in certain cases. Adultery is often cited (and supported with Matthew 5:27-30) as one of those cases in which divorce is allowed. Do you think an affair is an acceptable reason for the offended party to ask for a divorce?
It can be but that usually isn't the best question to ask. I think with Jesus' words we often want to make it into a final list when I just don't think he did that much. He was speaking to men who were treating women in horrible ways through often divorcing for no significant reason. So the core of his teaching to me is directed at each man in something like, "Husbands love your wife intentionally with tenderness and respect." Often times the passage is used the exact opposite of what he intended. By that I mean pastors sometimes guilt women to staying in a marriage with a man who is being a total buffoon or even evil in beating her. To me he was seeking to protect women and that is often missed.
The better question to ask is, "What are the possibilities for our relationship in this marriage?" At times, some Christians pray for their spouse to have an affair so they'll have a 'legal' way out. That is a coward's prayer. Humility, suffering, perseverance, character are all words that are neglected in that prayer.
To sum up, I would say that it is generally worth putting all you have into rebuilding your marriage and seeking to move through the pain and trauma of an affair to restore it even after an affair. A divorce should still be sought in light of the question, "What does it mean to love my spouse well?" A divorce could be sought at some level as a last ditch effort to help the spouse have an encounter with God. The Greek word for adultery doesn't usually mean just one affair but sexual betrayal over and over. So I don't think one affair is a good reason to divorce. But to be fair, every situation is different and I am sure there are some situations where it is the best way to love the other.
If a married couple who had been through an affair told you they wanted to divorce, would you encourage them to stay together?
I encourage a couple to make a decision to work through the process of the betrayal and to worry about making a final decision about the marriage down the road. There is so much pain, trauma and upheaval just after the revelation that neither will be thinking and feeling clearly enough to make that decision. I do believe that if two people commit to being honest, place a high value on their relationship and a high value on God that going through the process will lead them to a better marriage than they had before the affair.
Why did you and your wife decide to stay together after the infidelities were brought to light?
For me there were two main reasons. The first was that I couldn't stand the thought of another man tucking my kids into bed at night. If we divorced Ann would remarry and I didn't know who that man would be in relationship with my kids. I hated that thought. My kids and I rubbed noses like Eskimos and it was great. They are teens now and don't do that. J
The second was out of gratitude to God for entering my life and literally saving me from suicidal thoughts. I called out one day and said, "God this can't be what you intended for my life. Either take me back or show me the way." The Spirit came in me that day and I began to listen and make different choices in my life.
I read that it took about as long to get over the affair as it went on. It went on sporadically for three years. So I gave God three years to save my marriage. In the meantime I committed to face all of the pain I could each day. I didn't commit to the marriage but I did commit to the process of rebuilding. Our biggest leap of forgiveness came after fourteen months.
Ann says part of it was she didn't want to fail at marriage. All of our siblings but one has been divorced and she didn't want to join them. Also Ann is a very loyal person (yeah we see the paradox). She knew at her core that she really loved me. Kids were also a reason for her too. That's it in a nutshell.
We both also have a certain degree of pertinacity. I was a state champion at golf and she was an all-district basketball player in high school. We both knew what it was to work hard with a goal in mind. Short term suffering for long term gain so to speak.
It has been ten years since the infidelity in your marriage, and you appear to have come a long way since then. Do you feel that your marriage is fully restored? Are the wounds all healed and trust regained?
Yes I feel our marriage is fully restored and waaaaaaayyyyyy beyond what it was before the affair. We talked the other day and we have both grown so much the last ten years. We were 30 year old adolescents (I was 33. I can't tell you how many people I see whose lives are turned upside down at 33) then and really are adults now.
We read, reflect, seek to discern, challenge each other and ourselves and offer grace to one another. We want to be 'on the grow' (Charlie Tremendous Jones phrase) the rest of our lives.
Yes, the wounds are healed. We touch our scars a little more often than the average couple because of this strange calling we have. We want to be present with the emotions we felt ten years ago when we share our story so it doesn't feel like we are talking in a third person manner.
I trust Ann and vice versa. We are also both much more aware of our fallen nature and don't pretend it doesn't exist. She is capable of heinous sin and me too. Oswald Chambers said an unguarded strength is a double weakness. Being aware of our capacity for sin helps to keep us 'on the grow' and moving closer to one another. That is the best guarantee against another affair occurring.
Day 3
What would you say to someone who holds the opinion that infidelity is man's natural state and that marriage is an antiquated institution ready to be dismantled?
I read a book by Zig Ziglar once. If he wasn't selling pans he was talking about "The Redhead." J He said, and I agree, that we all have excess sexual energy. Our culture certainly shows that. He said that what we do with that excess sexual energy determines many aspects of our marriage. There are plenty of women that on first glance I find attractive and would like to have sex with. In a bigger picture I take that energy and place it into areas of my life—like blog interviews—that produce a different kind of valuable fruit than sex does.
I like naked women and I'm glad God made me that way. But I also know that looking at any others besides my wife in the long run isn't good for my soul or hers. There is something about the exclusivity of monogamy that combined with time and focused energy on the relationship produces an intimacy and joy that goes beyond anything else on the planet.
As far as sex, people that have sex with lots of others generally are the most unhappy, self-hating people in the world. Sex addicts become sex addicts because they have a deep-seated belief they are a piece of crap, the underside of the piece of crap, and sex is a drug that masks that for a bit. When the sex is over their insides feel darker than before.
Also, every marriage will go through difficult times. During those difficult times our fallen nature is going to look at the options to take the discomfort away instead of really dealing with the stressors. Pretty persons of the opposite sex can seem like the answer. 'If only I'd married her life would have been easier and happier' is the lie. Sometimes we fall for it.
How do you help couples to recover from infidelity in their own marriages? What steps do they need to take?
First off is to cut the third party out of your marriage. One quick call and be done. It is a brutally painful time but the best in the long run. Every decision needs to go through the lens of how will this impact our marriage. If there is a chance it will hurt your marriage then don't do it. Sometimes that means changing jobs, changing churches, moving or driving out of the way an extra fifteen minutes to work to protect the relationship.
Make a decision to be brutally honest with one another. There really isn't anything to lose at this point. Don't hide or conceal any secrets. Get the whole explosion out in the beginning. Secrets coming out later throw a couple back months and inflict great damage to restoring trust. The infidel is in the habit of lying and it may take a bit to break that. If he can begin to catch himself and tell the truth that is a good sign.
Along with this, what does the betrayed spouse need to rebuild trust. At first that is accounting for all the time in the day 24/7. I can tell you that following the trauma of the revelation Ann being 5 minutes late could feel like two hours of torture. We are much more considerate of each other in this area even today. Ask the spouse what else he/she needs to restore trust?
Learn to do conflict in a way that promotes your relationship and doesn't tear it down. Most couples get plenty of practice in this situation. :)
Cloud and Townsend list four areas of growth in Changes That Heal. Learn to be apart (boundaries or saying no), learn to be close (true intimacy or saying yes), learn to deal with your dignity and depravity (we all are glorious and horrible), be an adult (take care of your responsibilities in life). Be on the grow. I know it is kind of a cheesy phrase but whether the marriage survives or not a person will be better off seeking to live an abundant life of depth in relationships of all kind.
Other areas we touch on are: godly design by gender, anger, shame and guilt, becoming best friends, sexuality and grieving your losses.
Why did you start blogging?
We started blogging to continue telling our story to provide hope for those in troubled marriages. My tech guy told me about blogging. It's great to be able to 'update our site' without me knowing html code.
I've 'met' many terrific people like you through this.
Blogging is a great avenue for others to hear our story. By linking and updating often my traffic has steadily increased.
We have shared our story around the Denver area in several churches. A few of those times we've had a second day leading couples through the beginnings of many important conversations. Imagine sitting knee to knee with your spouse and talking about important matters for 7 hours. We've also led several 12-week groups for couples recovering from infidelity.
We are open to going out of town and speaking. Just get us there, house and feed us. If you want to give us something on top, that's ok too. The principles to recovering from infidelity strengthen any marriage.
