My Emotional Affair, Final Chapter

Part 1 of My Emotional Affair
Part 2 of My Emotional Affair

After Rita was fired I think we went to lunch once. I saw her in a different light. She was rather normal and not gussied up. I realized that I had made an idol of her. We talked briefly every few months once she landed another job.

Ann called out of the blue one day about getting a sales job with lots of perks. We were moving to another city. I decided to go to seminary. Everything seemed to be perfect.

At that time I decided to face the fact that any relationship with Rita was getting in the way of my relationship with Ann. I vowed to not have any more contact with her.

I felt settled about it. Then Ann kept traveling with her male friend who was only supposed to show her around for a month. I found out later they were having an affair and had been having one off and on for about three years. At this time I suspected something, but wouldn’t allow myself to believe she was actually capable of having an affair.

Rita called. Her husband had filed for divorce. She was in pain. At first I tried to resist, but I rationalized it was ok since I wasn’t sure about Ann’s behavior either. It basically just felt good to talk to her again. The summer went on. Right after Labor Day I found out about Ann’s affair.

Remember, I had previous thoughts about thinking I had married the wrong woman. Rita was single now. My wife has been in an affair. I was feeling rejected and humiliated and betrayed by Ann. Maybe, I thought, maybe this is God working to arrange it so I can be with Rita. What a temptation.

I called Rita and told her about Ann’s affair. We commiserated in our misery. I dreamed of sneaking off for a weekend with her.

My life was total confusion. I was in seminary preparing to be a pastor, aching over my wife’s affair, and trying to justify it in my mind so I could have a sexual affair too.

I was in great pain one day. My chest felt like it was going to explode from all I felt. I called Rita. Instantly, I felt relief flooding from my head through my toes. Rita was a drug to me. Her voice was a darn sight better than Paxil too. My anxiety and pain would drop drastically at the first word I would hear her say. Looking back it is clear. I was a relationship addict. This wasn't really the first relationship like it. I had others though not as intense. It was that pseudo-intimacy with Rita that gave me relief. Actual chemicals were released in my body that brought comfort. That is why ‘addiction’ applies to areas like relationships, spending, gambling etc. The drug is just released from the inside and not ingested from the outside.

I went to her house for a few hours. I count it God’s grace today that we didn’t have sex. Not even a kiss. A passionate kiss is sex I don’t care what your definition of is is. I don’t know if Ann and I would be together today if Rita and I had. In my state of mind I may have just left my home. Even though many times I would ponder sex with Rita, thinking about telling my daughter kept me from actually pursuing it. I would imagine my daughter saying, “Daddy, how could you?!” That would sober me up.

In counseling over my wife’s affair I was able to call my relationship with Rita an emotional affair. Like any addict I gave up my drug begrudgingly. I wanted to rationalize we hadn’t had sex so it was still ok to have contact. But deeper in my heart I knew I had cheated on Ann by offering my heart to Rita. I had betrayed my wedding vows, my God and my wife.

We serve a faithful God. The day I found out about Ann’s affair was the worst day and the best day of my life. It was the worst day because I experienced more pain in my heart than I ever thought a human being could feel. It was the best day because Ann and I truly began to be honest with one another that day. I didn’t say we were ‘just good friends’ anymore about Rita. I began to say I had an emotional affair.

Our God is faithful. As he says suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character and character hope. It was a long battle through the suffering and perseverance, but it did and continues to build character and I do live with hope. I live with the hope of growing ever closer to my wife and my God. I live with the confident hope that God is bigger than my pain. He is a forgiving Father, full of incredible grace and kindness to us all. His mercy quiets my soul.

Comments

[irene]

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm not married (yet) but I've watched a friend get entangled in an emotional affair with a married man and I know how it can sorta just creep up on you. Before long you're so enmeshed in it, you're enjoying the (illicit) intimacy and don't want to give it up. I was so grieved when my friend told me what was going on.

After being there for my friend all the way, I became much more careful about the way I relate to men because I know it could so easily have been me. We both tried to keep in touch with him as friends, you see, but he only replied her emails... There, but for the grace of God, go I...

[King of Fools]

I think you really nailed it in part one where you stated that everyone is capable of having an affair.

Everyone has to be on their guard, no matter who they are.

Thanks for your brutal honesty.

[Marla]

You and your wife's vulnerability in sharing your story is like a rare jewel in the vast storehouse of Christian trinkets that should be filled with treasures. I am absorbing all you have so poignantly articulated so that I can be aware of the snares that I might otherwise think I'm immune to.

[Ben]

Thank you all for your comments. I am blessed by them. I am also encouraged that men and women are reading this to help them AVOID all of this type of pain. There is enough suffering around that we don't need to create any extra.

Ben

[MRS D]

My husband has been having an emotional affair with a woman from his past for over 10 years of our marriage off and on. We have yes had problems in our marriage. He claims he felt lonely often. I work full time, full time student with a daughter and looking after my dead sister's daughters (2). I am angry and bitter. I even had a "verbal" confrontation with this woman. I have basically forced my husband to choose at this point. Our 25th anniversary is july 7. we were going to renew our vows but he said he didn't feel right. know i know why. he told me he don't think he is right for me. this is the 3 rd time this has happened and each time he swore that there would be no more contact. I am angry beyond words and yes hurt. he even admitted an emotional attachment, he just enjoyed his company. the other woman has told him that they should not communicate anymore, but he has said this before!! I want to separate, but my brother a minister has advised against it. my husband said he wants to stay with me... i don't know what to do.. any suggestions? we have had counseling, and the pain continues!!

[desperate]

Thank you so much for this - it is exactly what I have been looking for. I am a Christian and am involved in an emotional affair w/another Christian coworker (and the professional profession that we both are in - we should soo know better) and can't believe that you have nailed so many behaviors, thoughts and the same on the head. I am now going through a divorce, for other reasons - but also knowing that "he" will never leave his family - nor do I "really" want him to. This has been going on for a little over 1 1/2 yrs with a lot of nonverbals, and that walking too close or light touching. I am miserable - we have been taming things down for many months but it is the hardest thing that I have ever encountered and agree that it is like an addiction - where we go through withdrawls and try to have our "fix" of each other about 1 x a week - which of course isn't enough for me. I welcome any helpful advice - I have even tried to seek another job and prayed for that and still stuck where I'm at.

[Kris]

Wow, thank you for sharing this! Praise the Lord that He enabled you and your wife to trust Him and to stay in your marriage as you surely will be more truly human (as Charlie Peacock would say) and more at peace with God because you both ultimately did the right thing.

It is so true how as Christians, even when we are sinning, we try to figure out a way to make it right so that we can continue doing it. We try our hardest to justify our actions so that we can enjoy them!

My husband has said to me that a really good woman makes you love your wife all the more. I love that thought!

May God bless your marriage and continue to make it better, deeper and more fulfilling than ever. Thanks again for your and your wife's willingness to be open about this and to share with others what you guys have experienced and learned.

[Hurting Wife]

My husband and my bestfriend began having religious discussions about 1 1/2 yrs. ago. He was Baptist and she is Catholic. She ended up winning him over to Catholisism. They talked on the phone for hours during that time. The amount of their conversations was bothering me and I voiced my concern. He would say he wouldn't call her any more, but I'd catch him talking to her or e-mailing her. Part of me didn't like what was going on, but part of me did. You see, my husband had an addiction to pornography. Anytime he was home alone, I knew what he was doing. I was so critical and so hard on him during this time and I even threatened to leave him. I know he was looking for help - he sought it out and couldn't find any. I wish I had been there for him more - praying for him, embrasing him, encouraging him. He found help in her. His Catholic journey gave him victory over his addiction. I liked the fact that he no longer struggled with pornography, so I was torn about ending the friendship. Last February, we sought counseling and the contact ended for a while. Unfortunatly, I kept the friendship alive because I kept my friendship with her. I continued to use her persuasion to get my way with my husband too many times. I suffer from a medical illness called BiPolar and take Lithium to control my symptoms. However, when I'm pregnant or nursing, I can not take my medication. Although I had 6 yrs. free from Bipolar episodes, I experienced one this past May as a result of emotional stress from this friendship and a hormonal imbalance from weening my baby from the breast. During this time, my bestfriend, my husband, and I would talk about my illness and how to handle me and adujst my medication.Today, they continue to talk regularly. Last month I found the cell phone bill that he had hidden from me and discovered he was calling her at least 10 times a day. Every time I try to put a stop to their friendship, I'm met with an enormous amount of conflict. The last time I tried to put a stop to it he stormed off and yelled "I'm only staying with you out of commitment". When I call her and tell her what he's done, she calls him and he comes back and we work things out. He thinks I am just a jealous person and I am, but I think I'm justified this time. I wish I could get rid of my emotional pain. I feel emotionally distant from my children, it's hard to get up in the mornings, I'm filled with a great amount of anxiety most of the time, it's hard to perform every day tasks. Help!!! Is he having an emotional affair? If so, how do I get it to stop? Can I get it to stop? Is there hope? I wish I wasn't so sad. She's so happy and peppy all the time, no wonder he'd rather be with her. I'm an emotional wreck. I try to put on a good face, but it doesn't last. I am open with my husband about my feelings and I am probably too open and talk too much. I know I'm doing all the wrong things to stop the friendship, but what are the right things? Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kathy]

Wow, what a blessing your story is. I have found myself in a Cyberspace emotional affair. I too left God, for a man who is
a atheist.

The lord told me several times he was trash ,but I could not help this attraction.

I have said the same words this is a addiction. He is like a drug that gets me thru my day. I found myself drinking wine everynight to kill the pain.

I pray that the lord will heal us all.
Thank you for sharing your story that took alot of courage.
God be with you!
Kathy

[ben]

Kathy, You are welcome. Thank you for sharing as well. Blessings to you as you heal.

[terah]

I am hoping and praying thatthis site will help me stop obsessing over my husband's emotional and verbally intimate on-line affair with a womman he met in Asia. I read the e-mails he sent, and he seemed like a person I did not know. The emotion and romantic words he wrote still play over and over in my mind, while I try and make sense of it all. He is very remorseful and wants our marriage to be restored. He assures me that it was all a "game" to boost his ego, to feel wanted and desired by someone. Will I ever feel at peace and truely forgive him? We have been together for 30 yrs. I do love him, but I wish there was a rewind button to push, or I could just erase those words that I keep seeing in my mind. I do not fully trust him yet. I keep hoping that the healing will become permanent instead of these emotional waves that keep knocking me down. This is not the first "secret" friendship he has cultivated. The first was with a co-worker that he kept in contact with via phone. This was over 14yrs ago and it is still painful.

[ben]

Terah, "Will I ever feel at peace and truly forgive him?"
Forgiveness and trust are two separate matters. It is right that you don't trust him yet. Words that you desire to only be 'spoken' to you were offered to another. He'll have to earn your trust after betraying it.
Forgiveness takes a while too. The temptation is to forgive so you won't have to feel the pain. Betrayal and forgiveness are two separate matters as well. Ultimately, forgiveness is essential for your own well being but in many ways those 'emotional waves' let you know that you are still learning of ways you have been wounded here.
My belief is that we forgive those wounds as well as the person who committed them. So saying, "I forgive Joe Bob," isn't specific enough.
In times of emotional trauma, like you are in, it takes a while to know all the ways you feel wounded. Forgiveness is made much easier when the wounder will listen to the experience of the wounds and being wounded by the one he wounded. (That's a mouthful)
Many of the psalms were written by folks who are in emotionally similar situations to you. 2/3 of the psalms contain some form of lament in them. You are in good company. This takes a while to go through. Your emotional termoil is evidence of being created in the image of God and loving your husband deeply. It hurts, its difficult, but for you to ultimately heal there is no other path except right through the middle of the mess. Blessings to you on your journey.

[terah]

Thank you Ben for your words of comfort. I do feel that I have the inner resources to heal, this being made possible by my faith in our Creator. Interesting how powerful words are, they can tear your heart out, and also bring such peace. I am on my way of picking up the pieces, and relying on God's Word to take me on this journey of re-discovering myself and husband. I pray that someday my pain will help someone else heal. Thank you to you and Ann for having the courage to share your story so that others can share with someone who truly "feels" their emotional turmoil.

[Jennifer]

Ben,

I need help. I realize now that I am in an emotional affair that is very close to becoming physical. I am so ashamed of myself and sad about my actions. I have talked to my husband about this in reserved detail and asked for his help. He is supportive but doesn't demand anything from me. Because I go to school with the other man, I have no choice but to see him three more times before graduation. It is very difficult for me to see him. My feelings feel very deep. However, I realize that I may be giving those feelings more value than they really have.

A little background - I have been married for 10 years. For the past 18 months I have been in an adult studies bachelor degree completion program. The same group of students meets once a week for a year and a half. I sit next to a man who has become my dear friend. Early in our school program, we met for dinner with our spouses and believed that we would all be great friends. This man and I continued to email and talk about school and life. We often spoke of how fortunate we were to meet since we get along so well. We have supported each other through a difficult curriculum and also some difficult life situations. We have a strong bond that has been evident since the beginning of the class.

One night, a situation occured in class that caused my friend to defend me to another student. I was overwhelmed by his strong defense of me. I felt suddenly very aware of my feelings for him. We talked that night and admitted our feelings for each other. We were both blown away by the fact that we felt the same way.

A week later, I realized how close I was to ruining my marriage and I confided in my husband that I was worried about our marriage. I admitted to having strong feelings for my friend and said that I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything to damage our marriage. My husband took it well and supported me. He didn't get upset and he didn't get mad. He was okay. I cried and admitted that I was very tempted by this man and that I felt very connected to him. My husband said he understood and that he was glad I told him. He was still okay.

My emotional affair has not stopped. In fact, it has gotten more serious. We have kissed and expressed our feelings for each other. We are worred about our relationship for ourselves and our spouses. We feel guilty and torn because we are so happy together.

I went to my husband again today and said that I need his help to keep from doing something to damage our marriage. He was again supportive and kind but he didn't show much emotion. I know that I cannot expect him to keep me faithful, but I am desperate for him to wake up and recognize that he has a responsibility to the success of our marriage. Simply being a faithful husband isn't engouh. I want him to claim me as his wife. I want him to see our marriage as something worth protecting. He continues to be a loving and kind husband, but he does not love me passionately and protectively which is how I need to be loved.

I am so ashamed of my behavior. I am so sad that I have betrayed my husband. But I don't want to stop feeling passionately loved. I have talked to my husband about this need three or four times over the course of our marriage. He says he understands my needs, but he doesn't have it in him to react differently to me.

I don't know what to do. Should I tell him that some physical contact has occured to see if that jars him into awareness of the situation? Or is that mean spirited and cruel?

It seems that I am using this friend to get a reaction out of my husband. But I don't think that's true. I believe my feelings for my friend are genuine, but untimely. I am sad that I will never be loved passionately by my husband. I don't know what to do. I want my marriage to last, I love my husband. But I am pretending to be someone I am not. I am pretending to be satisfied with a warm, friendly love when I really need a deep, connected, passionate love. I feel that way about my friend.

I believe I met someone who has reached the real me, the passionate me. Now that I have these feelings, I do not want to go back to pretending to be okay. I AM NOT OKAY!

Now that I have said all that, I will also tell you that I do not want to get a divorce. I do not want to lose my husband. I want to feel passionately loved by him. I just don't know if he has it in him to love me that way. I don't have it in me to keep pretending to be okay.

Please help me. I am so sad and confused.

Thank you,
Jennifer

[philip]

Very interesting, of course I ahve read this because I have gone through a similar 'emotional affair'. Co-worker, started with a few trips out to the shops together, then swimming, then squash then out to lunch. Light touching, intimate secrets. Sending text messages at weekends and evenings. The thing is I recognise that I have fallen in love, but am still in love with my wife. I don't love this other women in the way same, as much or as deeply as I do my wife, but I am in love none the less.

I have changed jobs and ironically she has left her job too and we are now miles apart. we both know the dangers and where we were heading and both seek to avoid them. (she is seperated already). I hope that time and distance will reset our relationship, but in reality I think we will have to choose between actually having an affair or not seeing each other ever again. It is a shame because we were really good friends, but the stakes are too high, especially for me.

[philip]

Jennifer

just read your post above. 10 years ago my wife told me that she didn't love me anymore. Not in a malious way but in a matter of fact way. I then worked hard and won her heart all over again. so in a way we are on our second relationship. It is a male thing to fight, ego is important to men, I didn't want to lose and I won her back.

A friend of mine told her husband the same thing recently though and desperately wanted him to fight and win her back - like yourself. but he didn't, he just let her go. perhaps he though all was lost and didn't bother. I suppose what i am saying is give him encourage to believe that he can win you back, not just despair and resignation. easy to say but hard to do I know

[Everybody]

I will be honest with you...suppose i was one of you, having an emotional affair: the persons entering a situation like this (emotional affair) are the responsible ones. It's easy to blame someone else...but what are we doing to change things, to change ourselves??? What kind of people are we? We are the ones killing the spirit in our spouse. Why do you demand so much from your spouse, instead of you doing something for them? Is it possible we are just selfish? Is it possible we are finding excuses for our sins? This will not erase it, it will not make it go away! But I guess we're not too sure we want it to get away... But a sin is a sin, and distruction is all that it brings... Does losing your soul and losing God's love, by what you are doing, make you feel as if "it will be alright" or as if your LUST is more important? Then you are in such terrible danger, as you don't see straight anymore! I'm sure, if you only thought about it clearly and honestly, you would realize it's actually just in your head and that this affair does not mean anything to you... If you feel the urge to self-distruct by doing some stupid thing, then wake up and gather all your responsibility, and start doing all those good things for your spouse, because they may be feeling your absence too and may be hurting too much already from your lack of sensibility! God is speaking to you through your conscience, warning you you must take care of your family and then of yourself, and don't let temptations creep into your souls, and you only sacrifice all the GOOD things He has given you, the ones you have vowed to honor and take care of for the rest of your life. Don't let the laziness of your spirit, the lust it has come over you and your confusion make you crucify Christ all over again!!! Instead, love Him, honor Him and repay Him by doing the good things that you vowed to do: respect your spouse, lay down your life for them, love your family, and fight with these tempations by keeping yourself humble and by praying for forgiveness with sorrow in your heart... May God clean your soul and heal your wounds, and you will see that, offering your life and everything you are to your spouse, it will all come back to you a thousand times, just when you least expect it... All the happiness and gratitude that you will feel will resurrect your love and your passion for your wife/husband. I know so, 'cause I've been there... Don't ever get tired fighting!!! God knows what you need, what you are, He trusts your character and waits with kindness for you to come back to Him. Have you already taken the first step on that path? He is holding a Light for you, to find your way back... Can you see it? :)

[ben]

Everybody. I think you are misnamed. If just do it right was all we needed we wouldn't have a New Testament and a Savior. I do appreciate your heart for God. It seems you are more aquainted with the tree of good and evil than the tree of life.

[ben]

Phillip, Thanks for your comments. A great help in keeping things moving in a good direction for your marriage is to not have any secrets from your wife. Blessings to you as you move forward.

[Lee]

I can relate to all of you. I have been married for 18 years. When I first married my husband I believe it was out of being co-dependent. I started dating him in junior high. Nine months into my marriage I felt I made a mistake. I had an affair. He threatened to tell everyone in my family. I was so ashamed i felt suicidal. So I stayed I couldn't bear to see the look of diappointment on my family's face. I immediately got pregnant which i credit to saving my life. I totally changed. I was the best wife I could possibly ever be. I know for fact he had three affairs after that. It hurt so bad because i felt wow i felt suicidal after mine and we didn't have children than. Now we have four children and you have repeatley done this. I stayed every time out of thinking I deserve this. I had 4 children in 4 years. I have triplets. I just couldn't understand how he could do this with the children. But i never blamed him because I have always felt I was getting what I deserve. Well I had alot of emotional healing to do. You see there was always this secrecy. I could never go in his car. Never had a key to the post office box. Oh the list goes on I look back and in my gut wonder how many women were there. But I can never prove any of this. Well I decided to forgive him for everything. I decided to turn a blind eye to all the secrets. I decided to have one more child this would be his chance for redemption. I was happier than ever. I felt like it was all worth it. Any regrets I ever had tieing myself down at the age of 13 were gone. Well when my baby boy turned a year old I got the shock of my life. He said I forced him to have a child and he didn't love me. My life was shattered He claimed he had health problems and couldn't be with me anymore. He said I was a burden to him because I was a homemaker. I felt I didn't wake up at the age of 35 being a homemaker alone. He was there with me. Well I begged him not to move out so he stayed. It was a very stale relationship. We had sex maybe once every 6 weeks if I was lucky. This went on for probably 2 years. Well I got to be friends with a teacher at my sons school. And next thing you know i found myself in love. I can't eat, sleep I think about him all the time. He is single. We spoke about how we felt aemotionally and mentally attached to each other. He said if i were single we would not be just talking about this. After that he cut ties with me. I felt pain like I never felt in my life. I know I have never felt this way about anyone. I started talking to him again after about 3 months. He said he had started ignoring me because he felt guilty that he did not want to hurt the children. I think we both know it is still there. I started talking to him on a more personal note and is avoiding me again. I try calling him but he never returns my calls. I am not going to call him anymore. I am going to avoid him. But I can't help but feel like i have missed out on something. My husband has totally changed since Jan. I think he is afraid I will leave him. He knows in his heart that i am in love with this man. He even confronted me. I denied it. He now treats me like a princess. He makes alot of money. And I am scared I have stayed with him all these years out of fear. What should I do?
Lee

[ben]

Lee, Thanks for writing. First off, the best thing to do is to let the teacher go. He is trying to do the honorable thing here for you, your children and not to mention his career. To love him is to let him go.
As for those feelings that are awakened in you, seek to redirect those towards your husband. It seems that something has shifted in him. Secrecy will have to go for you to have a close relationship. Blessings.

[San]

I'm an owner of a business who is married (to a believing spouse). About six months ago I hired a lady (who is also is married-but to an unbelieving spouse) from my Church to work for me. For about four months it was "all business," but about two months ago our relationship went from business to emotional to physical. Needless to say-we both know what we have done is wrong in both the eyes of God & man. We have both repented & feel that God has forgiven us. The problem is the "healing part." In reading your website, I gather this can only come from confessing to the unknowing spouses our affair. With my wife-I feel she would end up divorcing me (she has tried for "lesser offenses," in the past. Once even going as far as paying a lawyer). With her husband (who is unsaved), she has told me there is no doubt in her mind-he would shoot me! What advice can you give me on this?

[ben]

San,

Everyone has to make their own call on these things. I can't know the mental state of either of your spouses. Godspeed as you deal with this.

[Sam]

You talk about emotional affairs between men and women. Can a woman have an emotional affair with another woman? A friend's wife (I will call her Bee) has a very close female friend (I will call her Dee), their friendship started during a hard time in my friend's marriage. It started by the women seeing each other at church or a coffee once a week, within 2 months the women were spending 20 to 30 hours together a week, both are married with young children under 10. Within 4 months they needed a weekend away. My friend told me they hadn't had a weekend away in 4 years. So far the women have taken 4 weekends away in the last 15 months, not including 2 overnight stays in a hotel away from home. When the time together exceeded 60 hours in one week my friend complained about the time, energy and attention going to Dee, Bee got very mad and told him he was trying to make a beautiful friendship into something ugly. Bee told him Dee understands her and holds her when she cries; when Dee is around she is away touching and hugging Bee. Dee is a very controlling and dominate female, and will get in my friend's face at time. Dee calls Bee 4 to 6 times a day, and spends hours on the phone besides the 20 to 30 hours a weeks they are together. There has been no sexual intimacy between my friend and his wife in over 18 months, his wife says that since there is no emotional connection there is no reason for sex. My friend has been going to counseling, but Bee says that all the problems in the marriage are his fault, he has not had an affair of any type, he has not been abusive, and his kids love him. The 2 older children 12 and 16 dislike Dee and have a strong aversion to Dee. I have known this man for over 20 year, just before he was married. I meet with him weekly and talk to him every other day, he is in my men's group. His wife stopped going to church 6 months after the friendship stated, he is still coming to the men's group. The pastor of the church told the Dee and her husband to back off from this marriage, they left the church also. My friend does not want the marrige to end, but he doesn't know what to do anymore, he is at his wits end. I don't know what to say or pray anymore. Any advise would be more than welcome.
Thanks,
Sam

[ben]

Sam,
Yes, emotional affairs happen female to female. One can have an affair with anything or anybody. Ones time, energy, and heart that is designed to go to the spouse goes elsewhere.
IMHO the best prayer to open with is something like, 'God, how can I know you more fully through this situation?' or 'What are you up to in my soul here?'
Often we want to avoid our own feelings of helplessness and get the situation fixed but it is our feelings of helplessness that can take us directly to a deeper dependency on God.