My Emotional Affair

The topic is so big. Emotional Affairs. Mine. I don’t actually know where to begin. It is 9pm now and I feel like the sun could very well be peaking over the plains and painting the Rocky Mountain foothills golden by the time I am finished. So, as much of me wants to go deaden my soul in front of the TV, I write.

We mention this in our talk, but we don’t go into much detail on it. I feel fear, shame, and gratitude as I type. Fear that I’ll be rejected for my sin; shame over having chosen another over God and my wife, gratitude that my wife of almost 19 years is in the next room and my son of 17 years is downstairs. My daughter is out doing whatever a passionate, seeking, believing, questioning 19 year-old does on a cool May evening in her new to her 1995 SUV. I am truly grateful we are still together when I almost tossed it away.

In September or so of 1989 I didn’t want to live and didn’t want to die. Eventually I called out to God to ‘either take me back or show me the way.’ Three months later after a great day of spiritual talks with a friend I went to a birthday party and got drunk. I woke up the next day with the usual headache and cottonmouth. I thought about what a stupid way that was to ruin a great day. I’m not doing that again I vowed for the 238th time. Only this time it was different. It took. God was indeed showing the way.

After 6 months of military training for the army reserves I came home. I was in great shape. Ran 10 miles on my birthday just to see if I could. After a couple of months of stocking shelves at night I landed a job as a manager trainee at a transportation company. The first time I saw her I was taken with her beauty. A month later she and I and one other were working Christmas Day. We laughed, worked very little and listened to a Manheim Steamroller Christmas tape about 15 times. I sensed we both wished the third person wasn’t there.

Soon we went out to lunch together. The first time out she mentioned the poor state of her marriage. I remember thinking I’d be a husband that would take care of you. This should have been a huge red flag. One of those giant ones flapping in the breeze at a Perkins or Shoney’s saying stop, stop, stop, Ben. Run away. Tell your wife, tell your friends and have them tie you down while you hear her siren song.

We had more lunches. I enjoyed going from the drunken party boy to the straight and narrow guy with the high and tight military haircut. Do you hear the irony? See the façade? I was Mr. Straight and Narrow except for a little emotional adultery.
I traded one means of filling my empty soul, alcohol, for another, emotional suctioning. It certainly wasn’t intimacy. Yet, I did a good job at work and felt respected by her. I wasn’t sure I did anything right at home.

We had more lunches. I felt closer and closer to her. I was finding life in her. I felt so alive in her. I marveled at spending time with a woman of her beauty. I had traded the woman of my youth for an idol. At the time I was convinced the idol was life. In reality she was just a woman. In my delusion she became more important than God. I literally remember praying and having an image in my mind of allowing God to deal with everything in me except her. I had thoughts of wanting to be married to her instead of Ann.

Sexual tension began to build for me at least. I came up with a despicable phrase to describe our relationship. An affair of the Christian heart. Gag me with a frickin’ shovel! I lived in so much rationalization and denial. I was growing as a man, but there was still a lot of addict left in me.

One day my car was in the shop and she drove me the twenty minutes home. We sat in her car, in the cool shade of my driveway in the countryside and talked for a while about sex and affairs. I must have told her I was ready. Her words helped save my marriage when Ann and I went to counseling for Ann's affair. She said, “Ben, you don’t want to do it. You have a wife, two little kids and a future. It tears you apart.” It tears you apart. There are so many levels of meaning in those words. She knew. When separated from her husband she was sexual with another man. That was several years prior and they were still seeking to overcome it. Later on I experienced the truth of her words. I felt the tear. I felt my heart tear. I suffered. My flesh was torn from Ann's through Ann's sexual affair. We were torn apart.

Later, on in counseling I realized that if not for her we would have had sex. I wanted to she said no. If she had pursued me as Ann’s affair partner had pursued Ann she and I would have had sex. Until that point I had always rationalized any consequence of our relationship away since we didn't have sex. In many ways my emotional affair with this woman, let’s call her Rita, was every bit as damaging to my marriage as Ann’s affair which included emotional connection and sex. My heart was every bit as deceptive as Ann’s. I had given it to Rita and denied any damage to Ann or to my own soul.

End of part one.
Part 2 of My Emotional Affair
Final Chapter of My Emotional Affair

Comments

[Wolf]

Outstanding, honest and hits me between the eyes.

[ben]

Thanks Wolf.

[Mikel Farahanian]

Ben

Your story is very inspiring and it only shows how without a higher power in our lives, we are nothing.
Like most other people lately, I have suffered the indignity of infidelity. My wife had an affair with a co-worker two years ago, and to this day, I have yet recovered from the hurt. I have tried everything known to man to pacify my pain. Counseling, prayer, meditation, and Lord knows what else, and I am still in the dumps. It is not so much the cheating as it is the sense of total loss and betrayal. For 20 years that we have been married, I have been nothing but faithful to her, and I think I have a hard time getting it. To her, we should just move on. I found out; she confessed; so we need to go on. While we are still together, and I don't know how, I am afraid we may never recover from this. Even when we have sex, I can't get out of my head, images of her with him; even worse, whenever she does something new, I can't help but think she learned it from him. Plus, I am forever suspicious of her every move since I can't earnestly trust her.
Ben, What can we do?
Hurt and desperate.

[ben]

You mentioned everything but embracing the pain. Feel it, walk into it. It isn't easy, but the only way to the other side is through it. Is she doing what you ask to restore trust? What was the affair about? What was she getting out of it that wasn't present in your marriage?

[naomi]

Hi um my story is my husband after 4 years of marriage confessed to having a one night stand with my youngest sister who at the time was 16 and was staying with us back when we had been married one yr and i was 8.5months pregnant with our first son. My world was turned upside down but we had 3 kids and i wanted to do the right thing I figured it was just one off mistake and blamed myself also for not loving him enough. Our Marriage included occassional abuse one of the times he tried to strangle me when i was pregnant with our second son as one example but he was really good at convincing me it was cause i asked for it. Well three yrs after he confessed to the one night stand he decided to tell the actual truth that tore me apart cause of all the lies the affair with my sister started the night i was in hospital after giving birth to our first child and had gone on for 2 years. I have been separated since this confession aug 2007 We r working towards reconciliation but i am only doing it cause it is the right thing to do. I don't even like him. we r in counselling together. I am in pain every day and have to keep going 4 my kids i want to give up and have thought of suicide frequently but i'm too scared of dying and don't want to leave my 4 kids. thought about divorce but doesn't seem like an option for a christian. Help there is more to my story to as my parents and sister claim it to all b rape. life is agony. and i fell i am horrible to be around i am doing my best but i feel like i cant hear god and like i do it all wrong. please reply if you can.

[c]

Hello, dear, (1) BIBLE BELIEVING CHRISTIANS can disagree on many things, including the ending of a marriage. (2) not all counseling is good counseling (3) I will pray for you.

[Ben]

Hey Naomi, Thanks so much for sharing. You have been through a lot. I agree with what c said above. The depth of depravity in your husband is cause for deep concern. Move slowly and have lots of eyes and hearts around you that are wise and that you trust. Don't feel trapped and do something because you ought. Move slow, allow the truth to continue to come out and find rest in God's grace.
Stay alive and be sure you have a plan in place with those trusted friends in case the suicidal thoughts increase.

[CHARLENE]

My husband has been in an emotional afffair with a woman who works at the Mt Pleasnt WalMart. She approached him, needing "someone to talk to", right. Anyway Walmart should be more aware of their employee's actions, she gave a married custoomer her cell phone number while he was in the store, shopping for his family.

[ben]

Hi Charlene,

I'm sorry for the pain and confusion this is bringing you.

I do agree with you that the woman was unprofessional, but I don't really agree that this is a WalMart thing. Your husband is responsible for his heart and fidelity to you.

Prayers for you and your family.