Survive Infidelity, Build a Better Marriage

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  • If you are reading this, either you or someone you love has a life in turmoil due to an affair. Our book can help guide you through the chaos.
  • On our wedding day, we never imagined infidelity would infiltrate our marriage, but it did. We realized that we are all capable of it.
  • It was, quite simply, the most painful experience of our lives. For months, every morning we woke up to a pain filled nightmare. We wondered if that pain would ever end.
  • But it did end. It took courage, risk, perseverance we didn't know we had, unblinking honesty, and hope. We didn't go back to the old marriage. We developed a new, better one and we continue to keep growing.
  • We are Christian and share our faith openly. We wrestled mightily with God during our recovery. Are You good? Can You heal this pain? Do You want us anymore? We found the answer to these questions is yes, yes, yes. Our wrestling led to a deeper faith, not one that settled for pat answers.
  • This book is honest and gritty. We use language not usually associated with church on Sunday. We are as vulnerable as we can be with our emotions as we journey through the mess.
  • This book is a series of 90 reflections. It is a mix of memoir, insight, instruction, compassion and grace.
  • We've been told the format works to just pick up the book for 5-10 minutes and read a piece. If you're not really a reader, this format can be beneficial.
 To help you navigate your way, we address the following topics:
  1. betrayal
  2. grief
  3. shame
  4. rebuilding trust
  5. gender
  6. family of origin impact
  7. intimacy--spiritual, emotional, sexual, non-sexual touch, recreational
  8. grace 
  9. forgiveness
  10. practical keys
  • We went through it. Our suffering and healing made us stronger. 
  • For twenty years we've been helping other couples make it through. It may not feel like it now, but a new, vibrant, fun marriage filled with gratitude is out in front of you. We will guide you there.
 

Come Closer, No Wait, Stay Away

What is emotional intimacy? It involves oneness, being chosen and in this post we look at Being Known. 

Being known is our greatest desire. Being known is our greatest fear. We all invite others to come closer so we can be known. We fear others moving closer and we push them away because being known for all of who we are is scary business. 

We long to be known but it's crazy scary to remove a fig leaf to really let someone in. We have one arm fully extended with a hand held up like a traffic cop, telling everyone to stay away while our other hand motions toward others to come closer. If this is strong in a marriage relationship it creates emotional turbulence like an F-5 Tornado. 

Initially, in the Garden of Eden, God, Adam and Eve were all relaxed to the bone with one another. But then the whispers came that maybe God was holding out. Eve and Adam ate the fruit expanding their knowledge to good and evil. They began to experience shame. Shame says something is wrong with me, I'm defective so I'm not going to let you see me. So they covered up. What did they cover up? They covered an area of great intimacy, greatest difference and metaphorically their hearts and souls. 

All of a sudden they are looking around wondering what others are thinking and then they hear God, "Yoohoo, where are youuuuuuuu?"

Blame and shame reverberated through the trees. Not from God, but from Adam and Eve. 

Still, we want to be known. We are all prone to put fig leaves over our parts that we deem unacceptable. The problem is that we are a mix of dignity and depravity so when we cover something we feel is depraved we are also covering up our dignity which is the part of us that is able to experience emotional intimacy. Our hiding makes us incapable of connecting emotionally. Our hiding can look beautiful but is still a sentence to solitary confinement. 

How to get out of jail? It certainly won't be free but it will lead to freedom. 

Emotional intimacy will come in an atmosphere of safety and vulnerability as a couple is able to remove their fig leaves and allow the other to see inside. A clear view through the picture window of the soul reveals all that is wonderful and glorious, and all that is horrible and selfish. This magical view allows the emotionally connected couple to sit together in broken humility. Broken together and resting in grace. 

Buy Betrayed and Betrayer by Ben and Ann Wilson on Amazon